Whose Life Is It Anyway? It's Your Decision.

Most men and women, at some point, have been told to look, act or think differently. The image above highlights a female perspective but there's a male version too - probably all the endings being "a man" which is equally unhelpful.

I'm confident I didn't receive any of these messages from my parents but I know I felt them both at school and work at various points.

I'm not talking about feedback. Feedback can be helpful when done well. It's useful to know how you're perceived, to understand the impact of your words or actions or to open your mind to another way of thinking.

I'm talking about that point when the feedback/guidance/helpful suggestions start to shake your trust in your own decision-making. When the voices, opinions and influences of others make you second-guess your own knowledge and intuition. Unchecked, this can result, in choices and decisions according to someone else's values, expectations and goals rather than your own.

If you've ever been described as the "good girl" or the "smart one" or the "funny one" or the "sensible one", you probably recognise this all too well. And it's not necessarily a problem. It can be little more than a slight annoyance most of the time. In my experience, it becomes more significant when you have a strong desire to change something in your life but the options seem way out of reach.

"I can't..." "I should......" "I need to....." are some red-flags to look out for. These words, either spoken or thought, are signs that you are not connecting to your own knowledge. intelligence and intuition. 

And if you're not listening to yourself, who are you listening to and how are they serving you?

To be clear, I'm not suggesting we don't pay any attention to what others want for us. Speaking to others and seeking opinions from people you love and trust can be hugely helpful when you're making a change or a decision. But that's the point - speak to them, don't presume you know what they think or what they'll say. People who care about you will listen to you and offer their perspective from a position of love and respect. And whatever they say, remember ultimately it's your decision.

So if you want to make a change in your life, tap in to your knowledge, your expectations and your values. Share your thoughts with others. Ask for opinions and advice. Listen. Be conscious about the external influences that are present and how they interact with your own sense of what you want in your life. And then draw on all your courage make your decision.

Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

The Things "...." People Do Everyday

We've all seen the articles.  "15 small things successful people do everyday" "The 6 things the most productive people do everyday" "5 things happy people do everyday"

I enjoy them.  I don't always agree with them but they are quick to read and digest.  Many sound like common sense, describing actions or behaviours that we know, intellectually and instinctively, would make a positive difference to how we live our lives.  So how come we're not all doing them and being successful, productive and happy all the time?

In the opening sections of executive coach Marshall Goldsmith's book "Triggers", he acknowledges that some readers complain "I didn't read anything here that I don't already know".  His response? "True, but I bet you read plenty here that you don't already do." 

There is a BIG difference between what we know we should do or even what we want to do and what we actually do.  It's the end of January so I'm sure I don't need to mention the statistics on broken New Years Resolutions to prove this point!

Let's look past the strategies, mindsets and activities for a moment.  The common theme with these articles and, as it happens, a key element of Goldsmith's book, is the frequency; everyday.

Every day. Not just today and tomorrow or this month. Not twice a week. Every single day, including weekends!

I have quite a strong reaction to the thought of doing something every day.  It feels like a combination of restriction and monotony. It feels like it would be a chore. 

I enjoy variety and value autonomy.  Doing something every day, is so far removed from my normal way of operating (or so I tell myself), it would only be imposed on me by someone else.  My mental rebellion begins and I intellectualise all the reasons daily actions can't/won't work for me.

On reflection, there are plenty of things I do every day that don't feel like a chore.  From social niceties such as washing, cleaning my teeth and getting dressed, through to those I have consciously chosen like sending my children off to school with the words "Have a fun/wonderful day!"

I am physically and emotionally capable of doing something every day so I can't use that as an excuse.  None of these things feel restrictive or monotonous because they are natural.  They are just what I do, how I behave and who I am.  Making a successful change, therefore, means doing something different or new until it feels natural.

This is where size matters.  We tend to think that change has to be BIG to make a big difference.  We are looking for the "light bulb" moment or the life-changing decision. As exciting as this may sound, it can also feel overwhelming and scary.

In my experience big, positive differences often come from small, subtle changes. The articles named above and Goldsmith's book seem to agree. Things like how we treat ourselves, how we make decisions and how we speak to people all make a huge difference.  And changes in these areas are pretty easy to integrate in to our lives every day until they become part of who we are.

So if you want to make a positive change in your life this year, try the articles above, read Goldsmith's book or connect with me and consider what you will do every day to make a difference.

Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

What are you Waiting For? A Coach's Confession

It was red and shiny.  Its message, "Wake Up Be Awesome Repeat x 365" made me smile so, this time last year, I bought the 2015 diary you see in the picture.

Rather than routine things like appointments or to do lists, I was going to use it to record my successes and adventures in the year to come.  I know how powerful it is to celebrate both big and small achievements when they happen and this would capture them all.

I carried it around every day.  I saw it at least twice a day as I drew out and put away my laptop. 

My first entry was Friday 15th May.

So what happened for the first four and a half months of the year?
There were many times I considered writing something but, each time, I decided it wasn't "enough" to warrant an entry. 

Awesome is a tricky word.  Many people dislike it or feel its overuse has rendered it meaningless.  For me though, it's about being brave, adventurous or doing something totally out of the ordinary and nothing I did really met up to my expectation. 

I realised what was going on quite quickly.  Doing what I do for a living means I am self aware and, once identified, I can usually coach myself to a different mindset or behaviour.  That it took me four and a half months is, frankly, embarrassing. 

Human beings are gloriously complex.  If we weren't we'd all be predictable, stable and rule abiding.  But, thankfully, we are individuals and, as such, there are times when there is a disconnect between what we think, what we feel and what we do.

I know I'm not alone.  Other intelligent, experienced professionals get stuck too.  Particularly when the actions concern their own personal development, success or growth.  Ask them to do something for someone else's benefit? Done, there and then, with bells on and a smile.  Do something for their own benefit?  Still waiting......

But what are we waiting for? For more time? For the time to be "right"? For something to be good enough? For someone else to do it?
All this time spent waiting/planning/postponing/tweaking/justifying could be time spent doing something about it and enjoying the benefits! 

So, if you have an action that you are continually putting off, try answering these questions honestly;

• What do I want to achieve? Write it down. Notice how much wriggle room you give yourself and edit it until it's clear, concise and you get a nervous/excited feeling when you read it back.
• What is the smallest action I can take right now? If the action feels overwhelming, break it down.  The key thing is to so something NOW. Once you've done that, the next bit feel easier.

• Who can help me be accountable?  This is so simple and effective. We make excuses to ourselves but it's much harder to make excuses to others.
• What am I waiting for? Being totally honest, what would make you get started on your action right now, today? Permission from someone else? A guarantee you wouldn't fail? 
• What's the worst that could happen?  The reality is rarely as scary as we make up so instead of hiding from it, treat it as an adventure.

As for me and my shiny red diary?  We've become much better acquainted since Friday 15th May.  Flicking through it today, each entry makes me smile and reminds me of the event that triggered it.  In fact, I've enjoyed it so much, I'm going to keep making entries through 2016! The faltering start to 2015 is a fading memory that will serve to ensure I don't take four and a half months next time I set myself an action.

Creating a change, however small, can feel a bit bumpy.  It can take time as well as mental, emotional and physical energy.  But when it's done and you're on the other side, loving the impact, you wonder what took you so long.
If you have tips on how to get out of your own way or if you are holding back on taking an action that will make a positive difference to your life, I'd love to hear from you.

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Time to stop blaming your bad boss?

Recently I ran a workshop with a team experiencing quite serious internal difficulties.  As individuals, they were loyal, hardworking, experienced and professional but their behaviour as a team was now damaging both their performance and their wellbeing.

The cause of the team's problems was clear.  Their boss.  Tales were told and re-told to illustrate their boss's shortcomings.  Most issues could be resolved, they said, by the boss changing or leaving. 

Sounds simple doesn't it?

A light-bulb moment came half way through the day, when they were asked to describe their natural talents.  During this exercise, they realised how far away they felt from their talented selves.  The positivity, collaboration and many other wonderful traits they prided themselves on, were barely present.  In fact their behaviours, they noted, were almost the opposite.  They were part of the problem.

So what?

It had been fairly easy to blame the boss for all the team's problems.  Maybe the boss was at fault and maybe they weren't but that's only one part of the equation.  The aspect that everyone was conveniently overlooking was their own behaviour.  Every person in that team shared responsibility for the difficulties and failures they were experiencing. 

We are social beings.  Just as we are impacted by and react to the behaviours of others, others are impacted by and react to our own behaviours.  We can be quite quick to notice when we are affected by others but how often are we fully aware of our own behaviour and its impacts?

Looking back at the team, they were acutely aware of all the impacts of the boss's behaviour on them and their colleagues but their awareness of their own behaviour and its impact was only just beginning. 

They have lots of work to do to improve the team's performance and to recapture their love of their jobs but the work is on something they have full ownership of - themselves.  By noticing and understanding their reactions, they can choose how they behave and be aware of their own impact.

Most of us will have experienced a "bad boss" or two.  I have a few tales of my own which I replay more often than is helpful.  What I know now is that, however badly my boss behaved, I was (and am) entirely responsible for my reaction from that point.  I didn't always get it right but I know what I'd do differently next time which is a start!  

If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone and remember that while recounting tales of bad behaviour, getting angry or withdrawing may make you feel better for a while, you and only you, have a very powerful choice to make about what happens next.

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more about being perfectly imperfect and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk 

Would you want to work with you?

I love the spring. I like the skies getting lighter and the sight of the first crocus or daffodil. To me, spring represents hope and optimism.

By contrast, I find winter a bit of a struggle. Days spent with the lights on, cold wind chilling your bones and TV schedules that numb the mind. Thinking about it makes me feel sluggish.

But winter also brings crisp, bright days. Thinking about a bracing walk, followed by a great lunch feels energising and creative.

So what?

The way we think has a huge impact on how we feel and, in turn, those feelings affect how we behave. When you think about work, which words come up? If your thoughts include themes of dissatisfaction, disappointment or boredom, it probably feels quite unpleasant. Those feelings will affect how you come across at work and will impact those around you.

Would you want to work with you?

Do you identify with any of the following?

• When changes are proposed, your first thought is “Here we go again!”
• Your network (people at work with whom you regularly keep in touch) is getting smaller rather than bigger
• You find yourself talking more often about why things can’t happen rather than what can happen.

What impact does this have on you and the people you work with?

So what? (Again)

When you are highly experienced, particularly in an area of technical competence (for example finance, IT, engineering, telecoms etc.), it can be tempting to ignore or play-down the impact you have on others because you are "being honest", have "seen it before" or are certain others "don't know what they're talking about".

If this is true for you, consider who you have enjoyed working with. What was it about them that made the work enjoyable? What did you contribute during that time? What were you like as a colleague?

What are you like as a colleague now?

Make a choice

Work can be a bit like the weather. We complain about it but we can’t necessarily change it. We can, however, change how we feel about it. Use these tips to notice how you think, feel and behave at work. Then you can make a choice about what kind of colleague you want to be!

1. Notice your themes
   When you talk at work are your words and comments generally positive or negative? Be honest. “I don’t think it will work” is negative. “I need more information to figure out how we can make it work” is more positive.
2. Write down the good stuff
   Remembering or anticipating what you DO like about work (e.g. utilising your specialist skills, being with people you like/respect) helps move your focus on to more positive aspects. Writing them down strengthens the impact.
3. Be the person you’d most like to work with
   Think about you at your best. Do one thing every day that embodies those characteristics.
4. Plan your next move
   However you feel about your job now, exploring “what next?” gives you options. Having options helps balance out the odd difficult day and is the first step towards taking ownership of your future.

If this sounds familiar and you'd like to discuss how I can help you enjoy your work and take charge of your career, I'd love to hear from you.

Thinking about the next steps in your career? Stop!

 My family used to tease me for my inability to make decisions. Whether I was choosing food in a restaurant (fish or ribs) or which options to take at school (Latin or Art), it was not unusual for me to agonise over the pros and cons, delaying the final decision as long as possible for fear of getting it “wrong”.

Actually, my family’s teasing was a bit unfair. I made many big decisions (which university, which course, where to live) quickly and easily. I know now that I would get “stuck”, not because I couldn’t decide but because my thought process was at odds with what I felt; my intuition or gut instinct.

Going back 7 years, I had a good job and I was ambitious. Thinking about what to do to further my career sounded like this:

“I work for a successful company; I have worked hard for 11 years and am regularly promoted; my skills are needed; I am well paid; my role is secure. Answer - Work harder; Deliver more; Target the next promotion.”

In my head, lots of boxes were being ticked. But the answer my head came up with didn’t feel motivating or inspiring (which is a requirement for me if I’m going to work hard for it). I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy because, logically, I had everything I wanted! Perhaps I had no right to be unhappy because I should have been grateful to have a job at all?

So what?

If you rely on logic, intelligence and experience to make a decision, you will make sound, evidence-based decisions which will, more often than not, be spot on in a business situation. However, choices that impact your life (your home, your family, your career, your health) draw upon feelings, dreams and values. Ignore them at your peril as their intangibility belies their power!

Back to 7 years ago, I put my logical thoughts to one side and listened to what else was going on;

“I am stuck; opportunities are limited; there is no commitment to change here; I am wasting my time; my skills are undervalued. Answer - Take charge; Stop whining and do something about it!”

Stuck

In this situation, my thoughts about my career were only part of the picture. I was effectively being pulled in two different directions and, although my intuition made no logical sense, ignoring it was not making it go away, it was just stopping me making a good decision so I became “stuck”.

“Stuck” is not a fun place to be. It is a place you arrive at when you feel you have “no choice”. You may feel obligated or restricted by your responsibilities or your specialist skills or the state of the external job market – all of which feel out of your control or influence. And when you feel that your options are limited or removed, it is easy to lose your spark. 

Pause your thoughts

Your intelligence is unquestionable and has provided answers to career-defining moments in the past. So what’s getting in the way this time?

Your mind is exceptional. It is the ultimate multi-tasking tool. But it can get crowded in there.

If your career development thought process involves innumerable options, potential options, risks and scenarios based on evidence, extrapolation and pure conjecture or if it results in just one option that you don’t like but can’t think your way around, it could be because your thoughts are at odds with your intuition. (I think of it as gut instinct or intuition. Call it what you will, you possess it and it has something important to say!)

What does your intuition say? What is your reaction? What are you telling yourself about what comes up?

Do you mistrust your intuition? Perhaps you judge it as frivolous or irresponsible? I thought mine sounded like a spoiled child. And perhaps, on its own, it is. However, when you are able to combine your logic and your intuition, your opportunities open up and your decisions become much easier.
You have a choice.

Choice is the antidote to being stuck.

It’s up to you whether you choose to listen to your intuition fully or just to the parts that make “sense”. No matter how scary or ridiculous they may seem, ignoring or shutting down the messages from your intuition, does not make them go away.

The key is to make a conscious choice. Feeling stuck is about not choosing – either because you don’t know what to choose or because you don’t feel you have a choice. Making a specific choice, even if that is to stay doing what you’re doing, demonstrates that you are taking responsibility for your career path.

For me, choice meant updating my cv and actively seeking a new opportunity. I secured my dream job shortly afterwards but, actually, the biggest thrill was in making the decision to look in the first place. I had taken charge, stopped whining and done something about it. 

Getting Unstuck

Try these questions to take you out of your thoughts and to access your gut instinct. It helps if you answer quickly and either speak or write the words. Try not to censor yourself or judge what you say/write.

• Imagine it is 5 years from now and you are happy – what are you doing?
• If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

If you feel “stuck” at the moment or are unsure about your career options, get in touch and we can work on it together. www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Lessons from a Muddy Lettuce

Lettuce Laundrette

I had a chuckle when I received a veg box from Abel & Cole last week. Among the onions, carrots and cabbage was a white card, about the size of a business card. Sometimes they add a card to tell you they've added a free lemon or mince pie so I read it with interest. Here it is:

I wondered what could have prompted the note and concluded that someone had probably complained about their lettuce being a bit muddy in the past.

What kind of person would complain about a muddy lettuce? Lettuces grow in the ground, right? Surely is a bit of mud is only to be expected on real food that has pushed through real earth, been warmed by real sun and watered by real water?

Choose Option 4

It made me wonder what had happened in the Abel & Cole workplace as the complaint was received. Did they laugh? Shake their heads in disbelief? Feel outraged (as I did) about the unreasonableness of people? Whatever they did behind closed doors, they moved swiftly to action.
In my experience, there are four reactions to feedback:

1. Ignore and hope everyone else forgets about it
2. Deny, deflect, defend and then destroy all evidence of it
3. Ingest it, focus on the worst bits, worry about it. Then follow steps 1 & 2
4. Take it, own it, do something about it

Abel & Cole chose option 4. This, among other reasons, is why they are one of my role model businesses* (see more on this soon!)

So what?

It can feel uncomfortable or even insulting when someone criticises our business, our department or our service. We can take things personally and react with emotion (options 1, 2 and 3 above).

Perhaps you’ve found yourself turning it back on the complainant? This is just one person in 100 or 1000, who cares? They are being overly nit picky and unreasonable.

Once our emotional reaction has subsided, it's time to look for the nugget of truth that will improve your business (option 4).

One truth is that this customer, client or partner expected more from you. So ask yourself:

• Which personal values were being triggered in my emotional reaction to this feedback? 
• What did this person expect that was not satisfied? (ignoring whether that expectation was realistic) 
• What would my business look like if I delivered this expectation every time? 
• What immediate action honours my personal values? 
• What action will mititgate against this feedback in future? 

Nuggets of Truth (Or the Mud on Your Lettuce)

Those nuggets of truth could stop complaints in the future. They could even be what sets you apart from your competitors and brings you even greater happiness and success.

As Bill Gates said, "Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning."

I’d love to hear your customer feedback stories!

*and to make it even better, they sent me a copy of the note within 24 hours of my email request so I could use it here! Top banana!

I Should Be So Lucky!

My 10 year old son is convinced he is unlucky. The evidence he uses to make this assertion ranges from his team not winning their football tournament to his choice of meal at a restaurant with all sorts of other "facts" in between.

"So, if you're unlucky, how come you got the trophy at the sports camp?" I countered.  
"That wasn't luck, that was skill."
"And when you got recognised for your guitar playing? "Skill." 
"And when you had that delicious ice cream?" "Skill - I chose the best flavour"

Hmm.  Being unlucky accounts for the "bad" stuff that happens but the "good" stuff is down to skill?

We do this as adults too. Why didn't I complete that action on my list?  Because x/y/z came up and that had to take priority.  Notice, "I" doesn't feature in the reason. This "thing" came up and "it" had priority - nothing to do with me!

Let's be honest, I CHOSE not to do that action.  I chose to prioritise something else (anything else - I am a master of procrastination).  It was entirely my decision.  

We're great at coming up with reasons and excuses for why things are the way we are and why we do, or don't do stuff. But that's all they are, excuses.  An excuse helps us pretend that we didn't have a choice and it wasn't our fault.  

There is always choice. In fact, there are many choices. Perhaps the impact of one those choices is unpalatable but it is a choice none-the-less.

Our hesitation in owning our choices often relates to the way we assess them - right and wrong, good and bad.  "I want to make the right choice."  Right according to whom?

In reality, the only person who can decide whether it is the "right" choice is you.  How you weigh up the options and make your decision may depend on a few things (see my previous blog post) but the key elements to hold on to are whether your choice honours your values.  If it does, you're on strong ground.

So when you find yourself looking to others, "things" or "life" for reasons (excuses) as to why you haven't changed something, ask yourself these questions:

• what are my choices? (be honest and think laterally)
• which choices relate closest to my values?

And remember, doing nothing can be a conscious choice too!

And as for my "unlucky" 10 year old? Perhaps a bit of work on getting comfortable with not being skillful at everything.  Wish me luck!