Holidays - Are They Worth The Hassle?

Everyone looks forward to taking a holiday, right?  We yearn for the days to go more quickly, to fast-forward to the point where we are on that beach or holding a cold beer or frolicking in the pool.
We promise ourselves we will use the time wisely; keep up with regular exercise, capture all the creative ideas we'll have, take stock and re-charge.

From dreaming to dreading

This blissful, mental-escapism probably lasts until about a week before your departure.  At this point, the word "holiday" may well set your heart racing for all the wrong reasons.
The must-do-before-leaving list is not getting any shorter.  Your diary is already full for the week you return.  The complexity of handing over multiple projects to multiple people makes you wonder whether it would be easier to can the holiday and just get on with it yourself.
In fact, a study of 96 employees in the Netherlands, mentioned in an article by the British Psychological Society, found that indicators of health and welling actually worsened in the week immediately before taking annual leave.  Other studies noted that physical illnesses increased in the first week away from work due, they surmised, to the impact on the immune system caused by a sudden shift from a high-stress environment to a low-stress environment.
And most of us are familiar with the feeling (usually by day 2 of returning) as though we've never been away.  I've even heard people question the value of taking time off work at all!
Logically and intuitively, we know this isn't how it's supposed to be but when we're in the middle of it all, it can be hard to see a workable alternative.  So what can we do to make the holiday reality feel closer to the holiday dream?

Preparing to leave:

Remember, no one is irreplaceable at work. 

If you think things will grind to a halt while you're away, you may represent a single point of failure.  Without being too maudlin, what would happen if you didn't turn up at work tomorrow....or ever again?
While it can feel good to feel needed, if you are so essential you can never take a break, it can have the opposite effect on your well-being.
What are the things that only you can do?  You want that list to be short and specific to your skills and experience - and even these items can be shared or delegated for certain periods. Don't confuse being needed with adding value.  After all, leadership is what happens when you're not there!

Take more (smaller) holidays

Building up to one, big break can feel overwhelming.  Consider taking a few long weekends or a couple of mid-week days off during the year.  These shorter absences are good ways of training yourself to step away from work.  Major things are unlikely to go wrong while you're away for such a short time and you can build on what went well, and what didn't, ready for your next break.

Run, jump or walk away on your last day in the office

My last day before holiday was always a long one.  Leaving work late in the evening often meant I was still mentally processing well in to the night or even the next day.  Exercise, whether the gym, a class or a walk, counteracts stress so you can mentally and physically leave work behind.

During:

Set your own rules and stick to them

Some people turn everything off and forget about work.  For others, not knowing what may be happening or what they may be coming back to is a source of stress in itself.
Think about what would work for you.  If you'd prefer to keep on top of your Inbox or make a couple of calls, talk to the people you're holidaying with.  Agree on a plan that suits you all.
Personally, checking my emails for a maximum of 15 minutes, twice a week is sufficient for me to know what's there and to deal with it if required.  This leaves me free to enjoy every last bit of my time away.

Make it last 

Apparently we are most likely to remember the best, worst and last moments of an experience.  Often our last days away involve mundane tasks so think about what you can also do to create a positive lasting memory.

Coming back:

Break yourself in gently

Avoid Mondays!  Starting back on a Wednesday (or Thursday or Friday) gives you time to ramp back up with the weekend not far away.  This is particularly useful as returning from holiday creates work at home too (unpacking, washing, food shopping etc.) which can feel like a double whammy downer!

Bring more holiday to every day

Did you sit in one place for days on end while you were away?  Even if you spent a lot of time on a sun-lounger, the chances are you also moved a bit, even it was just from pool to bar to restaurant.  So why is it that so many of us find ourselves "stuck" at our desk or in back-to-back meetings within hours of returning to work?  This is not how we thrive.
While it may not be practical to take a daily siesta, moving regularly and getting fresh air, even if only for 10 minutes at a time, has a positive impact on our concentration, memory and stress levels.

Smoothing the transition

As I write, I am noticing that the main theme here is about the shift from work to holiday and back again - the transition.  We talk about switching on (at work) and switching off (not at work) as if it were as simple as completing or breaking a circuit, but it's not.  The more we can smooth these transitions, the better it will be for our mental and physical well-being and, I suspect, for our productivity.
But I'm not suggesting we maintain a laid-back "manana" throughout.  Colin Wilson, CEO of coaching and training organisation Business Athlete, highlights  the significance of transitions for elite athletes.  Watch top-seeded tennis players between points or a rugby team re-grouping during a match.  It's these mini "holidays" taken at key points that actually support their peak performance when it counts.
I wish you a lovely holiday whenever, wherever and however you choose to take it and may you return to work energised, refreshed and raring to go!
If this still feels like an impossible task, do get in touch.
Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change.
Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Sorry? What are you really saying?

Several years ago I had cause to apologise to a Director in another part of the organisation. I had made an error. I can't actually remember what I had done (or not done) but it was a mistake and it was big enough that I do remember feeling slightly sick about it at the time.
I took my time to craft an email apology. Before sending, I asked my senior manager to review it. He looked at me incredulously.
"Too much?" I asked.
"Rather than sending this email," he replied, "why don't you just go over there and sacrifice your first born? It'll have about the same impact."
This exchange came to mind when I read Melody Wilding's Forbes article "Stop over-apologising at work" which suggested that saying sorry too often can damage your self-confidence and harm your career prospects.
It's an interesting thought. At the time, I wouldn't have described myself as insecure or requiring external validation but the email told a different story.
So, should I have ignored the mistake and said nothing? I have worked with people who truly believed an apology was a sign of weakness. Personally, I think being able to apologise well is a sign of strength.
But making a good apology is harder than it sounds.

Saying "Sorry" is not the same as apologising

"Say you're sorry!" is a well-worn phrase in many households with small children. Usually this instruction is followed by a shouted or muttered "So-reeeeeey!" which actually means the complete opposite.
And it's not much better in adulthood. We Brits are well known for our frequent verbalisation of "Sorry" to the point that it doesn't mean anything, it's just an instinctive response. At the other end of the scale, everyone has heard so-called apologies from politicians, sportsmen or wealthy business owners who don't actually apologise at all.
An apology allows us to be vulnerable. It says "I got it wrong", "I have more to learn", "I want to do better". A genuine apology is powerful.

Say what you mean

In my original apology email, I wanted the Director to know that I had integrity (I owned my mistakes), that I was competent (I understood the error and would correct it) and that I had courage (I was emailing a senior person to 'fess up). However, I had made (at least) two BIG mistakes.

1. I had allowed emotion to interfere with my communication
2. I had forgotten the recipient was a human being

Emotion gets in the way of clear communication. I am an emotional person. I do not subscribe to the view that there is no place for feelings at work; however I know that it is important not to let emotion obscure your message.
In addition, I hadn't thought about the impact on person reading the email. Everyone's inboxes are congested and time is precious so it makes sense to consider how the words may be received and what opinion might be formed as a result.
My first draft, rather than apologising for my error and committing to resolve the issue, was the email equivalent of sobbing incoherently at his feet. Neither useful nor comfortable for either of us.

So what?

The process of re-drafting and sending that email was exceptionally useful. It made me think about my message, my tone and what I wanted him to know/think/do by reading it. It helped me become aware of the language I was using every day and whether it aligned or conflicted with my values and sense of professional worth.
I realise now that genuine apologies come from understanding our values and the values of others. Acknowledging when we have not acted in accordance with our own values or have not respected someone else's values is the beginning of an authentic apology.
That's not to say I am an expert apologiser. I continue to make mistakes, am clumsy with words or, I accept, may appear disingenuous at times. I am learning, as we all are. I will fail at times and that's OK (just about) and I give you permission to call me out if my words don't ring true.

What next?

If you think you over-apologise at work, answering these questions may help;

1. How often do you use the word "Sorry" (either over email, text or in person) during the day?
2. When you say "Sorry", what do you really mean? What proportion of times do you actually intend to apologise for something?
3. Of those times when you do intend to apologise, what, specifically, are you apologising for?
4. When you apologise, what is your intention for the other person (i.e. what do you want them to think, know, do as a result)?
5. What is the most sincere apology you have ever received at work? What made it so effective?

And if you've got any tips you'd like to share about authentic apologies, do get in touch!
Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Is being selfish the secret to happiness?

It's 6.30am and I'm kissing my half-asleep son goodbye before I leave to catch the train.
"Ditcher!" he mutters, sleepily.
This is a word used frequently in our household by my 10 year old.  It has become his stock response to any situation where someone other than me will be looking after him outside school hours i.e. he's being "ditched", hence I am a "Ditcher".
The word is usually accompanied by a cheeky grin and I am comforted by the humour in those exchanges but, that day, I left home with a feeling of discomfort that lingered for a couple of days.
The discomfort was, I realised, because I was putting myself first. 
My (tangled) thought process went something like this:

• That piece of work sounds amazing! I want to do it!
• Q: But what about the impact on others? 
• I want to do it! I can do things to reduce the impact on others! 
• Q: But what about the impact on others?
• They'll be alright!  I want to do it.  I'll do it anyway!
• Q:  But what about the impact on others?
• I am a selfish, horrible person and a bad mother.....

And even though I've been here before and I know this is not the truth, it still felt rubbish.
This situation isn't specific to working parents either.  A passing comment from a friend, an instinctive reaction from your spouse, even sarcasm from an unpleasant colleague can have us questioning ourselves.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of reflection.  But what happens when we give others opinions, feelings or requests far more weight than our own?  And what about when we discount an option without even discussing it because we are concerned about someone else's reaction? 
I'm not suggesting you ignore the impacts on or opinions of those around you. Asking, listening, talking and exploring options with people who matter to you can be a powerful part of the decision making process.  The secret is using that information (rather than guesswork or presumption) alongside your own area of expertise - you.
You know what brings out your best.  You know what fulfills you, what drives you and what gives you goosebumps.  You know what is most important to you and what you want and need around you to be successful (whatever your definition of success).
When we are doing things we enjoy, with people we enjoy, we feel good.  When we feel good, we are nicer to be around.  When we are nicer to be around, our relationships with others improve.  There's a positive ripple effect which benefits us and those around us.  
I know I am a better person when I am fulfilled.  I am a better coach, a better friend and a better mother.  It can feel like a delicate balance at times and one I will certainly get wrong on occasion.  But only I can decide where the balance lies.
So whether it's investing in that course, going to the gym before you go home, exploring a new career path or choosing exciting work rather than the school run, if it makes a positive difference to you, it will also make a positive difference to those you care about.
I'm going to be a "Ditcher" again shortly and I'm fine with that.

The Value of Failure

I was in a room of about 30 people, all sitting in a huge, unwieldy circle. The course leaders were setting out how we were going to work together over the days ahead.
"Be open and honest." Check. "The more you put in, the more you get out." Check. "This is a safe space. We will all hold confidentiality." Check. So far, so normal.
Then: "Give yourself permission to fail. You learn more when you try something and fail than when you get everything spot on." WHAT??
I didn't DO failure. I was a high performer; always had been. In reality, this meant I only did things I knew I was good at. At the first whiff of challenge or self-doubt, I'd lose interest and turn my sights on something else. (Translation; I got scared of failing and quit!)
The concept that failure was not only going to be accepted but actively encouraged was both exciting and terrifying.

The inevitability of failure

Generally, we don't set out to fail at things. We set goals by imagining success. We motivate ourselves and others by focusing on positives to actively balance out the fears and doubts which hold us back. This is how we find the courage to make decisions and take on new challenges.
However, at some point, on some level, things will not work out exactly the way we had in mind. I’m not talking about BIG, life-changing failure. I’m talking about the choices that didn’t bring us the results we wanted, the projects that fell short, situations that make us squirm when we think about them.
The ability to accept and learn from both success and failure is a fundamental element of resilience; failing, feeling upset or frustrated and knowing that, in a day or so, you'll be able to reflect on what happened and ask “So, what's next?”

Designing success to include failure

In that room of around 30 people, we were asked to consciously put aside our desire to be "right". It wasn't easy. I let others take the lead. I watched their reactions as they tried something and failed. I held my breath, imagining how mortified I'd feel if I were them.
Then I realised the sky hadn't fallen in, no one was laughing at them, no one was squirming in embarrassment. In fact, we were cheering them on, celebrating their failure. Far from thinking they looked or were stupid (one of my own biggest fears associated with failure) I thought they were brave. They knew that the only thing that mattered, at that moment, was having a go and seeing what happened. They were the smart ones. By failing, they were actually succeeding.
Eventually, I joined them. Scary at first, the more I accepted failure was a potential outcome, the easier it was to enjoy it when it happened. Yes, there were times when failure was actually enjoyable!
I still struggle with failure. It's not something I specifically aim for but it doesn't hold the same fear for me as it once did. I know that it is more important to try something, learn from it and move on than to do the same old thing and stay stuck. I accept (just about) that, for me to be successful, failure will also be inevitable.
And when I fail, I remember what Richard Branson said "You don't learn to walk by following rules, you learn by doing and by falling over."
Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

The Things "...." People Do Everyday

We've all seen the articles.  "15 small things successful people do everyday" "The 6 things the most productive people do everyday" "5 things happy people do everyday"

I enjoy them.  I don't always agree with them but they are quick to read and digest.  Many sound like common sense, describing actions or behaviours that we know, intellectually and instinctively, would make a positive difference to how we live our lives.  So how come we're not all doing them and being successful, productive and happy all the time?

In the opening sections of executive coach Marshall Goldsmith's book "Triggers", he acknowledges that some readers complain "I didn't read anything here that I don't already know".  His response? "True, but I bet you read plenty here that you don't already do." 

There is a BIG difference between what we know we should do or even what we want to do and what we actually do.  It's the end of January so I'm sure I don't need to mention the statistics on broken New Years Resolutions to prove this point!

Let's look past the strategies, mindsets and activities for a moment.  The common theme with these articles and, as it happens, a key element of Goldsmith's book, is the frequency; everyday.

Every day. Not just today and tomorrow or this month. Not twice a week. Every single day, including weekends!

I have quite a strong reaction to the thought of doing something every day.  It feels like a combination of restriction and monotony. It feels like it would be a chore. 

I enjoy variety and value autonomy.  Doing something every day, is so far removed from my normal way of operating (or so I tell myself), it would only be imposed on me by someone else.  My mental rebellion begins and I intellectualise all the reasons daily actions can't/won't work for me.

On reflection, there are plenty of things I do every day that don't feel like a chore.  From social niceties such as washing, cleaning my teeth and getting dressed, through to those I have consciously chosen like sending my children off to school with the words "Have a fun/wonderful day!"

I am physically and emotionally capable of doing something every day so I can't use that as an excuse.  None of these things feel restrictive or monotonous because they are natural.  They are just what I do, how I behave and who I am.  Making a successful change, therefore, means doing something different or new until it feels natural.

This is where size matters.  We tend to think that change has to be BIG to make a big difference.  We are looking for the "light bulb" moment or the life-changing decision. As exciting as this may sound, it can also feel overwhelming and scary.

In my experience big, positive differences often come from small, subtle changes. The articles named above and Goldsmith's book seem to agree. Things like how we treat ourselves, how we make decisions and how we speak to people all make a huge difference.  And changes in these areas are pretty easy to integrate in to our lives every day until they become part of who we are.

So if you want to make a positive change in your life this year, try the articles above, read Goldsmith's book or connect with me and consider what you will do every day to make a difference.

Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Change Ahead? Where's Your Magic Wand?

Let's face it, we'd all have a magic wand if we could wouldn't we? 

Not sure which direction to take? *Swoosh* A clear path is revealed!
Fearful of the next step? *Ting* Fast forward a few months and you're loving it!
Holding yourself back because you want to fit in? *Swish* You are fully being yourself and the world is your oyster!

In my experience, most people are quite clear about what decision to make, how to handle a situation or how exceptionally unique they are, so why do we yearn for a magic wand?  Because there is a gap between knowing something (deep down) and acting on that knowledge.  And that gap can be scary.

Change is a funny beast.  Sometimes we feel safer staying stuck; somewhere on a range between "Could be better" and "Arggggggh!" rather than open ourselves up to something unknown.  It doesn't matter that the change could turn out way, way, waaaay better that your current state.  The sheer possibility that making a change might result in something less than ideal can be enough to keep you feeling "stuck" for weeks or months!

A magic wand would offer a guarantee that everything will be OK.  It would remove any element of risk.  It wouldn't just reduce the gap, it would remove it entirely.

But if your retailer of choice is out of magic wands, remember these points:

• Trust yourself.  You have more insight, vision and knowledge than you realise.
• Decisions rarely seem as big or daunting once you are on the other side.
• Know that you are creative and resourceful enough to deal with the impact of the change you want to make.
• Choosing not to make a change is still a choice.
• You are your own magic wand.

This is a follow on from my previous post "What are you waiting for?", accelerated by a great post from Ghilaine Chan "Why are we so scared to fail?". Do take a look!
Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk or call 07824 839367.

Starting school? A game-changer for working parents

Being a working parent is hard.

Before I go on, I acknowledge that being a working parent is, generally, a situation of our own making.  We have chosen at some point to combine paid employment with raising our children.

Loving your children and enjoying work is not mutually exclusive.  People will judge (see coverage on the recently announced pregnancy of Yahoo's Marissa Meyer) and articles will publicise statistics which prove that it is either the best or worst thing for children daily. So it's hardly suprising that, at times, we wonder whether we have made the best choice.

Nursery was easy. I had happy kids being well-cared for during my working hours. Naturally, I'd have a wobble now and then but, instinctively, it felt right.

School was a game-changer.

The hours are short. The holidays are long.  Your child notices that other parents are there when you are not - and they ask you why. Ouch. 

If this sounds familiar, I empathise but don't despair. The points below helped me during the times I was convinced I was a shoddy employee and an even worse mother. 

Talk

Ask your children questions about their day.  It can be easy, when we're still in work-mode, to go through the motions of "How was school?" or "What have you done today?"  

Changing your questions can help your child think back on the fun parts or the memorable parts of school and make for more interesting answers for you to listen to.

Talk to them about your day.  What did you do that was fun or exciting?  I know I found myself telling them that my day have been boring or stressful, which prompted the obvious question "Why do you do it then?" Out of the mouths of babes.....  When I thought about the best bits of my day, I felt better about my day and they could see that there was a positive reason that I was not at the school gates with the other parents.

Listen 

Really listen.  It took me a while to be able to do this but it genuinely made a difference.

When you get home, create a time where you focus on nothing but being with your child/children and you listen to them.  No tidying up, no preparing food, no phone, no emails, no TV.  Just you and them.

For me, it was bath time when the outside world stopped and we connected properly.  It made a difference to me and to them.

Check in

Your intuition is important.  Even if your professional decisions are based purely on facts and figures, your personal decisions are likely in involve a good dose of intuition or gut instinct.  This is because your intuition is tuned in to your values. Checking in regularly helps you distinguish between "just a bad day" and something that is genuinely not working for you. 

Consider your options

Whether you're happy with how things are or want something to change, working through your options is a really useful excercise.  Even if you feel "stuck" with how things are now, the truth is you always have a choice. 

Let your imagination run wild for a bit and write down or sketch out as many potential options as you can possibly create.  Everything is allowed.  Even the impractical, improbable and seemingly impossible.  

Just acknowledging that you have a choice is usually liberating in itself.  When you review your page(s) of options, there may be one or parts of one that draws your attention.  Pay attention to it.

Be kind to yourself

Wobbles are normal.  Children have wobbles too.  Yes, even children with stay at home parents. 

Be gentle with yourself.  Only you know what's best for you and your family.  Trust yourself and, if that's hard, imagine what the person who knows you best would say to you.

We can only ever do what we believe is best with the information (whether facts, figures or intuition) and resources we have available at the time. So give yourself a break and know that, whatever you decide, you can change your mind!

If what you've read resonates with you, do visit my website or drop me an email. I'd love to hear from you. 

Best wishes,

Stephanie

Core Values. Essential knowledge or just a list of words?

Talking about “Values” can be a bit like asking someone to eat Marmite on toast. Some people know what to expect and are glad to have the opportunity; others recoil slightly and pull a face of horror at the idea.

If you identify more with the latter group, I understand.

How could a list of words make any difference to my happiness or my success?

Have you ever felt not quite yourself? It’s frustrating. Even more so if the “big things” in life appear to be fine – well paid job, positive relationships, financial security etc. You “should” be happy. You “should” count yourself lucky. You “should” just snap out of it. And yet, despite all these “shoulds”, you just don’t feel like YOU. If you’re an intelligent individual, used to dealing with the complexities of your work and home environments, being unable to figure out what’s causing your discomfort just adds to the frustration.

Personally, my values help me make sense of things. They represent what’s most important to me and what I stand for. This means I can define what happiness and success mean to me and I understand how I can influence them.

Simply put, when you are living and working with your values, things flow and life is good. If a value is stepped on or ignored, the opposite is true.

Just as strong core muscles are essential to your physical balance and stability, strong core values contribute to emotional balance and resilience (the ability to tackle the ups and downs of our unpredictable lives).

Not feeling yourself? Look to your values. It is possible that something important to you is not being nurtured and that is having an impact on your happiness and/or success.

Equally, you can actively work with your values at times where you might ordinarily feel discomfort or doubt. For instance, I have a value of “Exploration”. I connect this to being open, being curious, being brave, taking a risk and consciously drawing on that value helps me when I am taking on something new.

How do I identify my values?

There are a few different ways of identifying your values. These two articles (huffpost and mindtools) contain helpful questions and steps to get started. It can be useful to do the exercises more than once, a few days or even weeks apart and look at what changes and what remains the same.

Values are more than a collection of words. It’s the connection you make to whichever word or phrase you choose that matters which is why lists of values (as in the Mindtools article) can be a useful starting point but taking it a few steps further to generate your own unique set is very powerful.

Sometimes, it’s enough just to recognise your values. Greater awareness of what’s important to you means you are more likely to make choices and seek opportunities that are in line with your values.

Sometimes, even with this knowledge, we hold ourselves back.

What are your thoughts about values? I’d love to hear your experiences and observations.


Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Secret Ingredient? It's Closer Than You Think!

Think of someone you really admire.  What is it about them that you find compelling?  What about someone in your profession who is incredibly successful?  What do they do that works so well?

Pinpointing what we admire in others often points to something we feel is important (a value) but also feel is currently "lacking" in ourselves.  

It's a bit like being served a wonderful chocolate cake and then trying to recreate it at home.  Although you make a good cake, you judge it to be not quite as "good" as real thing.  Perhaps they used a secret ingredient?  How much do we focus on what's missing rather than savouring the cake we have made? 

Don't get me wrong, I think comparisons can be really useful.  It's a way of exploring our values and shifting our perspective.  But sometimes comparing yourself with others is just another way of beating yourself up.

The truth is, there is no secret ingredient.  You have everything you need right now to be successful.  

So what's the point of personal development then?  It's all about mindset.  It's not about fixing something or removing a deficiency, it's about expanding your range.  I like the analogy of a muscle.  We have many muscles but tend to rely on the same group of muscles most of the time.  When we exercise and stretch a new muscle, it can feel a little uncomfortable but, if we continue exercising, we feel stronger and will, literally, stretch further.  We haven't created anything new, we've just used what we have to greater effect.

If you find that you regularly compare yourself unfavourably with others, ask yourself these questions:

1. What, specifically, do I admire about this person?
2. Using the answer from the question above, how much do I recognise that quality in myself? Choose a score between 1 and 10 (1 = virtually absent, 10 = abundant) 
3. What's the best bit about being that score? 
4. What does a higher score look like (move up 2 points)?
5. What does a 10 look like?
6. What can I do today to exercise this "muscle"?

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Ready for a Change? Size Doesn't Matter!

I love reading articles that summarise the habits of successful people or common traits of great leaders. Why? Because they remind us that being successful isn't about having magical powers or super-human abilities. For the most part, the commonalities are things we recognise and can relate to.

Who we are

How we think; how we behave; what we're passionate about; how we view ourselves and others. These are all things we own completely. Yes, we can be influenced by others or by circumstances but we are not controlled by them.

A small change in your mindset can make a HUGE difference to how you see yourself, others and the opportunities around you.

What we do

Perhaps surprisingly, the top characteristics of successful people rarely include "securing the big deals" or "spotting the gap in the market". More often it's about simpler actions such as learning, planning, sharing, looking after yourself (mind and body), treating people with respect. These are not rocket science and we can all improve on them if we choose to.

Making a small change in just one of these areas can shift how you feel and have a positive impact on those around you.

Make a small change to make a big difference

Sounds easy so why do we make it so hard? First we have to decide we are worth it (yes, just like the advert). Even a small change requires both thought and action.

What is the difference you want to make? Are you willing to give something a try to make it happen? If the answer to the second question is "No" then what would it take to turn the answer to a yes?

Start small and see what happens, you may be pleasantly surprised!

If you'd like to know more about how to make a small (or big) change at work or at home, do get in touch.

If you're not sure about coaching, what it is or how it works, I am running some workshops with my trusted colleague and friend, Sarah Leach, as an introduction to coaching.  Working with small groups (up to 6 people), across two half days, we take you through the theory and reality of coaching so you are better placed to make the change you want to make. 

We have dates in May and June.  Email me for more information.

Why being YOU at work is your most powerful tool

Sometimes people look at me a bit funny when I talk about “daring to be more you” at work. I understand why. I realise how strange it can sounds when you’ve not given it much conscious thought.

Responses vary from “Of course I’m being me – who else would I be?” to “Here we go, another fluffy coach nut-job!”I get it. Several years ago, I would have offered the same response. I was in a large, successful organisation. I was regularly promoted. I was performing well but, I realised, I was not outstanding. I wanted to be outstanding. I looked at the senior leaders around the business and realised that they were quite different people to me. It seemed logical, therefore, that to succeed in this company, I needed to be more like the senior leaders.

The problem was, the more I tried to be like them, the less I felt like me. Not only was it hard work to adopt behaviours and characteristics that were at odds with my personality but I began losing touch with the bits of me that had brought me success in the first place.

I know I’m not alone. I have worked with many people who are adamant they have to be a different person at work compared to the real person they are at home. This is more than just adapting your approach depending on your audience. It’s that feeling that you have to mould yourself to “fit” a particular formula of personality style, character trait and patter, over and above your natural qualities, skills and experience in order to be successful. One friend described getting in to the work mind-set each day as “putting on my armour”.

And, just like wearing a suit of armour, it’s exhausting!

Being YOU is the most powerful tool you have. And yes, as with all powerful tools, it can take a bit of practise to use it most effectively but, imagine the impact you can have when you do!

I have two examples of people who understand the power and success of being fully yourself. Firstly, from LinkedIn, a compelling post about being yourself at a job interview.

Secondly, I’d like to introduce you to Adrian Lomas. I met Adrian at the end of a busy week spent travelling between his offices in Cheshire and Soho. He was relaxed and engaging. He spoke openly about his realisation many years ago that, if he couldn’t find an organisation that allowed him to be fully himself, he’d have to create one. So he did. Blueleaf, is a highly successful digital design agency, with an impressive list of high-profile clients. Blueleaf and the way it operates is an expression of Adrian himself and is based on what’s most important to him, his values. This means he can give his best every day just by being himself. Of course there are the normal ups and downs of business life (as the LinkedIn article also illustrates) but being fully himself means that he has the energy and enthusiasm to tackle them all.

He and his business partner have since identified the company’s core values. These are not just words on a poster somewhere. Every employee is recruited and managed according to these values. It’s not always straightforward but he knows the difference it makes when people “get” each other and understand what the company is really about. Now combine that with an environment where people can be fully, unapologetically themselves (“bloody nice people” according to the website) and there’s nothing fluffy about the results.

Try these 5 questions to help you dare to be more yourself at work

• On a scale of 1-10, how much am I being myself at work (1 = not at all, 10 = fully)
• What are the bits of myself I do bring to work?
• What are the bits I am holding back?
• How would I describe the true me in three words?
• What would be different if I was being fully myself?

And if you’re still not sure about how to get started being more YOU at work, please get in touch. It's easier then you think.

Mike the Boilerman's lessons in loving your work

I had the pleasure of meeting "Mike the Boilerman" a few weeks ago.  Mike, as the name suggests, fixes boilers.  There is, however, one key point that set Mike apart from the fleet of other similar engineers:

He loves his work.

I love my work too but when I initially meet my clients, they can struggle with the concept of "having a fulfilling career" (by which I mean loving your work more often than not enjoying it).  It's all very well in principle, it seems, but turning it in to reality can feel a bit far fetched.   

So what is his secret?

Know what you're good at

Mike was clear from an early age that he had an interest in and talent for fixing things.  He decided that, rather than fix lots of different things, he would specialise.  His quality of work meant that he quickly gained a reputation for being the "go to" person for boiler repairs.

So what?

What is your specialism?  What are you the "go to" person for?  This can be a practical skill or knowledge set but can also be expertise in bringing people together, high quality work or pragmatism.
What you know what you're good at - and are not shy about acknowledging this strength, others will see it more clearly too.

Set expectations

There is no "under promise and over deliver".  He's not out to make a quick buck.  He is clear about how he works and how he charges from the outset.  He doesn't do boiler installations or bathrooms.  He does boiler repairs.  That is all.

He found that, by setting expectations early, people could make more informed decisions and that made for a better working environment for both parties.

So what?

What are you prepared to say yes and no to?  How well do you set expectations; either personally or for your teams?

Make it easy

We are so good at making things way more complicated than they need to be.  In my experience, is it usually because we are concerned about what others may think, say or do as a result.

Mike realised that issuing invoices and chasing payment was taking up way too much of his time.  
His solution was to take payment either in advance or on site.  Would people resist?  Some did but, as he said, those that are resistant are usually the ones who would require chasing under the old process so they are no loss.

So what?

What if it really was that easy? What are you telling yourself about the consequences and what facts do you have that this is the case?

What next?

Mike and I are not the only ones who love our work.  I am meeting more and more individuals now who have found a fulfilling role which they enjoy.  Whether in a large organisation, a start up or your own business, there is something out there that will light your fire.  
Get in touch if you'd like to see how I can help you find work you love.
And if you still don't believe it exists, just ask Mike.

Would you want to work with you?

I love the spring. I like the skies getting lighter and the sight of the first crocus or daffodil. To me, spring represents hope and optimism.

By contrast, I find winter a bit of a struggle. Days spent with the lights on, cold wind chilling your bones and TV schedules that numb the mind. Thinking about it makes me feel sluggish.

But winter also brings crisp, bright days. Thinking about a bracing walk, followed by a great lunch feels energising and creative.

So what?

The way we think has a huge impact on how we feel and, in turn, those feelings affect how we behave. When you think about work, which words come up? If your thoughts include themes of dissatisfaction, disappointment or boredom, it probably feels quite unpleasant. Those feelings will affect how you come across at work and will impact those around you.

Would you want to work with you?

Do you identify with any of the following?

• When changes are proposed, your first thought is “Here we go again!”
• Your network (people at work with whom you regularly keep in touch) is getting smaller rather than bigger
• You find yourself talking more often about why things can’t happen rather than what can happen.

What impact does this have on you and the people you work with?

So what? (Again)

When you are highly experienced, particularly in an area of technical competence (for example finance, IT, engineering, telecoms etc.), it can be tempting to ignore or play-down the impact you have on others because you are "being honest", have "seen it before" or are certain others "don't know what they're talking about".

If this is true for you, consider who you have enjoyed working with. What was it about them that made the work enjoyable? What did you contribute during that time? What were you like as a colleague?

What are you like as a colleague now?

Make a choice

Work can be a bit like the weather. We complain about it but we can’t necessarily change it. We can, however, change how we feel about it. Use these tips to notice how you think, feel and behave at work. Then you can make a choice about what kind of colleague you want to be!

1. Notice your themes
   When you talk at work are your words and comments generally positive or negative? Be honest. “I don’t think it will work” is negative. “I need more information to figure out how we can make it work” is more positive.
2. Write down the good stuff
   Remembering or anticipating what you DO like about work (e.g. utilising your specialist skills, being with people you like/respect) helps move your focus on to more positive aspects. Writing them down strengthens the impact.
3. Be the person you’d most like to work with
   Think about you at your best. Do one thing every day that embodies those characteristics.
4. Plan your next move
   However you feel about your job now, exploring “what next?” gives you options. Having options helps balance out the odd difficult day and is the first step towards taking ownership of your future.

If this sounds familiar and you'd like to discuss how I can help you enjoy your work and take charge of your career, I'd love to hear from you.

The Art of Procrastination

I've had something on my to do list for a while now. Months actually.

I've thought about it. I've written it down and looked at it. I've scheduled it in my diary. I've spent more mental energy on this one task that I care to calculate. The one thing I hadn't managed to do was the task itself. Until today.

Procrastination is pretty common and spending a few minutes time browsing your emails or trawling LinkedIn (or, let's be honest, Facebook) isn't necessarily a problem. Until it is.

Here are some signs that procrastination may be getting in your way:

• You've had something on your "to do" list for more than a week.
• You see-saw between the task being critically important and not necessary at all
• You plan it meticulously. And then revisit the plan on a regular basis.
• You think and talk about it. A lot.

Just to be clear as Joseph Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology, points out, procrastination is not about poor planning or inadequate time management. Nor is it a sign of laziness (although I confess to a smattering of all of the above.) It's that stomach-churning conflict of feeling compelled to do something but then doing anything BUT the task itself.

So, if it's not about poor planning or laziness, why do we do it?

Some people procrastinate because they get a thrill from leaving things until the last minute. For many people it is due to fear. In my case, it was a fear of failure and a fear of being judged (as a failure).

The problem is that procrastination doesn't negate the fear. In fact, all the time I was actively avoiding the task in question, my fear was growing. Each time I wrote it on my list and didn't do anything about it I was feeding the negative voices (you know, the ones who criticise everything) and deepening the fear of what would happen. Not helpful.

I believe that we make better decisions, achieve greater success and are more fulfilled when we are able to effectively combine our feelings with our logical thought processes. When logic is exercised to the exclusion of emotion, we limit our creativity. Equally, when emotion takes control, we lose objectivity.

So What?

If you're in the grip of procrastination, deal with it at the source. Recognise the emotion that is at play and apply logic to put it in its place. Here are some tips that I find useful:

• Imagine the worst case scenario. Give yourself a set time (5 minutes is probably plenty) to allow your fears to run riot. Then consider what you come up with objectively. What is the likelihood of this happening? What would you do if this did actually happen? Would it be really so bad?
• Break it down. Split it in to smaller elements. What is the smallest step you could take towards doing it? Do that, then do the next smallest step. This will reduce the power of the "big" thing. Even if you spend just 10 minutes on it (set a timer) and then stop.
• JFDI. Just Flippin Do It. When we're over-thinking, sometimes we need to call upon our inner sergeant major. Stop thinking, close your eyes (metaphorically), hold on tight and just DO.

Having got on and done what I'd been avoiding for so long, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. My mind is clear and my general productivity has increased. And, guess what? All the things I'd been worrying about just don't matter any more. I had wasted all that time and, more importantly, energy for no reason so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let procrastination take over again.

If you're putting off something that will make a big difference to your life and work, get in touch or find out more about what I do at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk.

I Should Be So Lucky!

My 10 year old son is convinced he is unlucky. The evidence he uses to make this assertion ranges from his team not winning their football tournament to his choice of meal at a restaurant with all sorts of other "facts" in between.

"So, if you're unlucky, how come you got the trophy at the sports camp?" I countered.  
"That wasn't luck, that was skill."
"And when you got recognised for your guitar playing? "Skill." 
"And when you had that delicious ice cream?" "Skill - I chose the best flavour"

Hmm.  Being unlucky accounts for the "bad" stuff that happens but the "good" stuff is down to skill?

We do this as adults too. Why didn't I complete that action on my list?  Because x/y/z came up and that had to take priority.  Notice, "I" doesn't feature in the reason. This "thing" came up and "it" had priority - nothing to do with me!

Let's be honest, I CHOSE not to do that action.  I chose to prioritise something else (anything else - I am a master of procrastination).  It was entirely my decision.  

We're great at coming up with reasons and excuses for why things are the way we are and why we do, or don't do stuff. But that's all they are, excuses.  An excuse helps us pretend that we didn't have a choice and it wasn't our fault.  

There is always choice. In fact, there are many choices. Perhaps the impact of one those choices is unpalatable but it is a choice none-the-less.

Our hesitation in owning our choices often relates to the way we assess them - right and wrong, good and bad.  "I want to make the right choice."  Right according to whom?

In reality, the only person who can decide whether it is the "right" choice is you.  How you weigh up the options and make your decision may depend on a few things (see my previous blog post) but the key elements to hold on to are whether your choice honours your values.  If it does, you're on strong ground.

So when you find yourself looking to others, "things" or "life" for reasons (excuses) as to why you haven't changed something, ask yourself these questions:

• what are my choices? (be honest and think laterally)
• which choices relate closest to my values?

And remember, doing nothing can be a conscious choice too!

And as for my "unlucky" 10 year old? Perhaps a bit of work on getting comfortable with not being skillful at everything.  Wish me luck!

The Value of Failure

Generally, we don't set out to fail at things.  Motivation often comes from the thoughts and images of what could be and we turn that in to actions that take us closer to it.  Increasingly we encourage our children to "think positive" and to embrace the idea that they can be anything they want to be.

What happens when we fail?  

Failure, at some point in our lives is inevitable.  On some level, things will not work out exactly the way we had in mind.  And our reaction when it happens is very important.

At an early age, I enjoyed school.  I was pretty smart and did well in tests.  I quickly became used to being at or near the top of the class.  When I didn't score quite so high, the attention was uncomfortable.

"I can't believe I got more than YOU in that test!"  My reaction was to withdraw and to stop trying.  My (subconcious) theory was that if I didn't try then I wouldn't really have failed.

Typically there are three reactions to failure:

• Withdrawal - if I don't try/compete/take this risk then I can't fail (fear of failure)
• Single-minded determination - I will do whatever it takes to succeed next time (still fear of failure) 
• Growth - I've learned something new so what will I do with this knowledge? (focus on change and choice)

Our own reaction says a great deal about our likelihood of success in the future.  

I was astonished when I heard that the top Baseball players in the USA only successfully hit the ball around one third of the time.  So, 2 out of 3 balls pitched to them will either be caught or missed entirely meaning they will be making that long walk back, in front of hundreds of thousands of people.  And that player will have to do that again and again and again.  Their ability to absorb this "failure" and to use it to improve their game determines their success in the sport.

Discovering your failure muscle

Forward thinking companies and educators are coming to realise the importance of getting comfortable with failure. Encouraging students or start up companies to take risks and to experience failure is almost like exercising a new muscle. It can feel a bit sore at first but soon you feel stronger and better for it.  This is also know as resilience.  The ability to deal with anything that comes your way.  To be able to fail and feel upset or frustrated and to know that, in a day or so, you'll be thinking about what happened and considering your options for what's next.

So, if you recognise yourself in either of the first two categories, consider what you could see by looking at failure through the eyes of a baseball player.

• What would be different?  
• What opportunities are available to you?
• What decisions would you make now that you've been delaying? 

And when my fear of failure tried to make an appearance?

To discuss your reaction to failure or for a conversation about how coaching can help you, please get in touch: steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk or visit my website www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk