Time to stop blaming your bad boss?

Recently I ran a workshop with a team experiencing quite serious internal difficulties.  As individuals, they were loyal, hardworking, experienced and professional but their behaviour as a team was now damaging both their performance and their wellbeing.

The cause of the team's problems was clear.  Their boss.  Tales were told and re-told to illustrate their boss's shortcomings.  Most issues could be resolved, they said, by the boss changing or leaving. 

Sounds simple doesn't it?

A light-bulb moment came half way through the day, when they were asked to describe their natural talents.  During this exercise, they realised how far away they felt from their talented selves.  The positivity, collaboration and many other wonderful traits they prided themselves on, were barely present.  In fact their behaviours, they noted, were almost the opposite.  They were part of the problem.

So what?

It had been fairly easy to blame the boss for all the team's problems.  Maybe the boss was at fault and maybe they weren't but that's only one part of the equation.  The aspect that everyone was conveniently overlooking was their own behaviour.  Every person in that team shared responsibility for the difficulties and failures they were experiencing. 

We are social beings.  Just as we are impacted by and react to the behaviours of others, others are impacted by and react to our own behaviours.  We can be quite quick to notice when we are affected by others but how often are we fully aware of our own behaviour and its impacts?

Looking back at the team, they were acutely aware of all the impacts of the boss's behaviour on them and their colleagues but their awareness of their own behaviour and its impact was only just beginning. 

They have lots of work to do to improve the team's performance and to recapture their love of their jobs but the work is on something they have full ownership of - themselves.  By noticing and understanding their reactions, they can choose how they behave and be aware of their own impact.

Most of us will have experienced a "bad boss" or two.  I have a few tales of my own which I replay more often than is helpful.  What I know now is that, however badly my boss behaved, I was (and am) entirely responsible for my reaction from that point.  I didn't always get it right but I know what I'd do differently next time which is a start!  

If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone and remember that while recounting tales of bad behaviour, getting angry or withdrawing may make you feel better for a while, you and only you, have a very powerful choice to make about what happens next.

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more about being perfectly imperfect and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk 

Starting school? A game-changer for working parents

Being a working parent is hard.

Before I go on, I acknowledge that being a working parent is, generally, a situation of our own making.  We have chosen at some point to combine paid employment with raising our children.

Loving your children and enjoying work is not mutually exclusive.  People will judge (see coverage on the recently announced pregnancy of Yahoo's Marissa Meyer) and articles will publicise statistics which prove that it is either the best or worst thing for children daily. So it's hardly suprising that, at times, we wonder whether we have made the best choice.

Nursery was easy. I had happy kids being well-cared for during my working hours. Naturally, I'd have a wobble now and then but, instinctively, it felt right.

School was a game-changer.

The hours are short. The holidays are long.  Your child notices that other parents are there when you are not - and they ask you why. Ouch. 

If this sounds familiar, I empathise but don't despair. The points below helped me during the times I was convinced I was a shoddy employee and an even worse mother. 

Talk

Ask your children questions about their day.  It can be easy, when we're still in work-mode, to go through the motions of "How was school?" or "What have you done today?"  

Changing your questions can help your child think back on the fun parts or the memorable parts of school and make for more interesting answers for you to listen to.

Talk to them about your day.  What did you do that was fun or exciting?  I know I found myself telling them that my day have been boring or stressful, which prompted the obvious question "Why do you do it then?" Out of the mouths of babes.....  When I thought about the best bits of my day, I felt better about my day and they could see that there was a positive reason that I was not at the school gates with the other parents.

Listen 

Really listen.  It took me a while to be able to do this but it genuinely made a difference.

When you get home, create a time where you focus on nothing but being with your child/children and you listen to them.  No tidying up, no preparing food, no phone, no emails, no TV.  Just you and them.

For me, it was bath time when the outside world stopped and we connected properly.  It made a difference to me and to them.

Check in

Your intuition is important.  Even if your professional decisions are based purely on facts and figures, your personal decisions are likely in involve a good dose of intuition or gut instinct.  This is because your intuition is tuned in to your values. Checking in regularly helps you distinguish between "just a bad day" and something that is genuinely not working for you. 

Consider your options

Whether you're happy with how things are or want something to change, working through your options is a really useful excercise.  Even if you feel "stuck" with how things are now, the truth is you always have a choice. 

Let your imagination run wild for a bit and write down or sketch out as many potential options as you can possibly create.  Everything is allowed.  Even the impractical, improbable and seemingly impossible.  

Just acknowledging that you have a choice is usually liberating in itself.  When you review your page(s) of options, there may be one or parts of one that draws your attention.  Pay attention to it.

Be kind to yourself

Wobbles are normal.  Children have wobbles too.  Yes, even children with stay at home parents. 

Be gentle with yourself.  Only you know what's best for you and your family.  Trust yourself and, if that's hard, imagine what the person who knows you best would say to you.

We can only ever do what we believe is best with the information (whether facts, figures or intuition) and resources we have available at the time. So give yourself a break and know that, whatever you decide, you can change your mind!

If what you've read resonates with you, do visit my website or drop me an email. I'd love to hear from you. 

Best wishes,

Stephanie

Core Values. Essential knowledge or just a list of words?

Talking about “Values” can be a bit like asking someone to eat Marmite on toast. Some people know what to expect and are glad to have the opportunity; others recoil slightly and pull a face of horror at the idea.

If you identify more with the latter group, I understand.

How could a list of words make any difference to my happiness or my success?

Have you ever felt not quite yourself? It’s frustrating. Even more so if the “big things” in life appear to be fine – well paid job, positive relationships, financial security etc. You “should” be happy. You “should” count yourself lucky. You “should” just snap out of it. And yet, despite all these “shoulds”, you just don’t feel like YOU. If you’re an intelligent individual, used to dealing with the complexities of your work and home environments, being unable to figure out what’s causing your discomfort just adds to the frustration.

Personally, my values help me make sense of things. They represent what’s most important to me and what I stand for. This means I can define what happiness and success mean to me and I understand how I can influence them.

Simply put, when you are living and working with your values, things flow and life is good. If a value is stepped on or ignored, the opposite is true.

Just as strong core muscles are essential to your physical balance and stability, strong core values contribute to emotional balance and resilience (the ability to tackle the ups and downs of our unpredictable lives).

Not feeling yourself? Look to your values. It is possible that something important to you is not being nurtured and that is having an impact on your happiness and/or success.

Equally, you can actively work with your values at times where you might ordinarily feel discomfort or doubt. For instance, I have a value of “Exploration”. I connect this to being open, being curious, being brave, taking a risk and consciously drawing on that value helps me when I am taking on something new.

How do I identify my values?

There are a few different ways of identifying your values. These two articles (huffpost and mindtools) contain helpful questions and steps to get started. It can be useful to do the exercises more than once, a few days or even weeks apart and look at what changes and what remains the same.

Values are more than a collection of words. It’s the connection you make to whichever word or phrase you choose that matters which is why lists of values (as in the Mindtools article) can be a useful starting point but taking it a few steps further to generate your own unique set is very powerful.

Sometimes, it’s enough just to recognise your values. Greater awareness of what’s important to you means you are more likely to make choices and seek opportunities that are in line with your values.

Sometimes, even with this knowledge, we hold ourselves back.

What are your thoughts about values? I’d love to hear your experiences and observations.


Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Secret Ingredient? It's Closer Than You Think!

Think of someone you really admire.  What is it about them that you find compelling?  What about someone in your profession who is incredibly successful?  What do they do that works so well?

Pinpointing what we admire in others often points to something we feel is important (a value) but also feel is currently "lacking" in ourselves.  

It's a bit like being served a wonderful chocolate cake and then trying to recreate it at home.  Although you make a good cake, you judge it to be not quite as "good" as real thing.  Perhaps they used a secret ingredient?  How much do we focus on what's missing rather than savouring the cake we have made? 

Don't get me wrong, I think comparisons can be really useful.  It's a way of exploring our values and shifting our perspective.  But sometimes comparing yourself with others is just another way of beating yourself up.

The truth is, there is no secret ingredient.  You have everything you need right now to be successful.  

So what's the point of personal development then?  It's all about mindset.  It's not about fixing something or removing a deficiency, it's about expanding your range.  I like the analogy of a muscle.  We have many muscles but tend to rely on the same group of muscles most of the time.  When we exercise and stretch a new muscle, it can feel a little uncomfortable but, if we continue exercising, we feel stronger and will, literally, stretch further.  We haven't created anything new, we've just used what we have to greater effect.

If you find that you regularly compare yourself unfavourably with others, ask yourself these questions:

1. What, specifically, do I admire about this person?
2. Using the answer from the question above, how much do I recognise that quality in myself? Choose a score between 1 and 10 (1 = virtually absent, 10 = abundant) 
3. What's the best bit about being that score? 
4. What does a higher score look like (move up 2 points)?
5. What does a 10 look like?
6. What can I do today to exercise this "muscle"?

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Ready for a Change? Size Doesn't Matter!

I love reading articles that summarise the habits of successful people or common traits of great leaders. Why? Because they remind us that being successful isn't about having magical powers or super-human abilities. For the most part, the commonalities are things we recognise and can relate to.

Who we are

How we think; how we behave; what we're passionate about; how we view ourselves and others. These are all things we own completely. Yes, we can be influenced by others or by circumstances but we are not controlled by them.

A small change in your mindset can make a HUGE difference to how you see yourself, others and the opportunities around you.

What we do

Perhaps surprisingly, the top characteristics of successful people rarely include "securing the big deals" or "spotting the gap in the market". More often it's about simpler actions such as learning, planning, sharing, looking after yourself (mind and body), treating people with respect. These are not rocket science and we can all improve on them if we choose to.

Making a small change in just one of these areas can shift how you feel and have a positive impact on those around you.

Make a small change to make a big difference

Sounds easy so why do we make it so hard? First we have to decide we are worth it (yes, just like the advert). Even a small change requires both thought and action.

What is the difference you want to make? Are you willing to give something a try to make it happen? If the answer to the second question is "No" then what would it take to turn the answer to a yes?

Start small and see what happens, you may be pleasantly surprised!

If you'd like to know more about how to make a small (or big) change at work or at home, do get in touch.

If you're not sure about coaching, what it is or how it works, I am running some workshops with my trusted colleague and friend, Sarah Leach, as an introduction to coaching.  Working with small groups (up to 6 people), across two half days, we take you through the theory and reality of coaching so you are better placed to make the change you want to make. 

We have dates in May and June.  Email me for more information.

Career Crossroads? Even a Prince has to make tough decisions!

I imagine that the last thing Prince Harry needs right now is more advice. Today, he announced that he had taken the “really tough decision” to leave the army after 10 years and, although he has some volunteer work lined up for a while, there is plenty of speculation about his next role. And, I suspect, plenty of people offering up opinions about what he could/should/must do.

It’s true that Harry’s circumstances probably differ from ours. (I suspect that financial security is not something he loses sleep over.) However, when he describes being “at a crossroads”, I’m sure many of us can empathise.

The “crossroads” metaphor however makes it sound quite simple; option 1 (turn left), option 2 (turn right) or option 3 (straight ahead). The reality is much more complex and, having made one big decision to leave his current employer, he now faces a series of questions, choices and decisions that could feel quite overwhelming for anyone, even a prince.

So, just in case you don’t have a host of trusted advisors queuing up to help you, here are some tips if you’re at a career crossroads right now:

1. Own your choices

This is your career and your life. Understand what is most important to you (your values) and what you want to create in your life, both personally and professionally.

Allow yourself to imagine what you would do if you knew you couldn't fail. This is not about being selfish, it is about getting really clear. From here, you can consider the impact on others.

2. Listen to your trusted advisors

We often find step 1 difficult because we pre-empt what others will think, say or do about the options we are considering.

Ask for advice, share your concerns and listen to their responses. It can help to choose people who are impacted (e.g. family) as well as those who aren’t (colleagues or friends) to get a range of views.

Remember, choose your advisors wisely. Just because someone has an opinion, does not necessarily mean that is it wanted or useful. Speak to people you care about and who care about you.

3. Imagine the worst (and the best!)

As important as it is to focus on positive outcomes, it is quite normal to ask yourself “what if” when facing a big decision. “What if I don’t like the company/job/people?” “What if my family doesn’t want to move?” “What if change my mind?”

These are all useful questions but we often stop at the questioning stage, because the answers are too difficult or scary. This can stop us making any decision at all.
Allow yourself to imagine the worst case scenario and take it to a logical conclusion. Consider what you’d be willing to change/sacrifice to mitigate those risks. You always have a choice.

4. Take action

Standing at a crossroads soon becomes pretty boring. It doesn’t matter whether you take a small step or a giant leap, as long as you make your choice and take action; even if that action is to stay where you are.

Interestingly, no matter how enormous the decision seems today, from this side, it rarely feels as big from the other side.

5. Return to 1.

Let's be honest, you've probably already faced a few big decisions already and there will be more to come. The good news is that it does get easier with practice. Try these steps for other choices you are faced with and see what difference it makes!

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Not sure about coaching? Try a small group workshop to learn about key coaching tools and techniques and experience the power of coaching in a safe, confidential and fun environment. Book Here

Why being YOU at work is your most powerful tool

Sometimes people look at me a bit funny when I talk about “daring to be more you” at work. I understand why. I realise how strange it can sounds when you’ve not given it much conscious thought.

Responses vary from “Of course I’m being me – who else would I be?” to “Here we go, another fluffy coach nut-job!”I get it. Several years ago, I would have offered the same response. I was in a large, successful organisation. I was regularly promoted. I was performing well but, I realised, I was not outstanding. I wanted to be outstanding. I looked at the senior leaders around the business and realised that they were quite different people to me. It seemed logical, therefore, that to succeed in this company, I needed to be more like the senior leaders.

The problem was, the more I tried to be like them, the less I felt like me. Not only was it hard work to adopt behaviours and characteristics that were at odds with my personality but I began losing touch with the bits of me that had brought me success in the first place.

I know I’m not alone. I have worked with many people who are adamant they have to be a different person at work compared to the real person they are at home. This is more than just adapting your approach depending on your audience. It’s that feeling that you have to mould yourself to “fit” a particular formula of personality style, character trait and patter, over and above your natural qualities, skills and experience in order to be successful. One friend described getting in to the work mind-set each day as “putting on my armour”.

And, just like wearing a suit of armour, it’s exhausting!

Being YOU is the most powerful tool you have. And yes, as with all powerful tools, it can take a bit of practise to use it most effectively but, imagine the impact you can have when you do!

I have two examples of people who understand the power and success of being fully yourself. Firstly, from LinkedIn, a compelling post about being yourself at a job interview.

Secondly, I’d like to introduce you to Adrian Lomas. I met Adrian at the end of a busy week spent travelling between his offices in Cheshire and Soho. He was relaxed and engaging. He spoke openly about his realisation many years ago that, if he couldn’t find an organisation that allowed him to be fully himself, he’d have to create one. So he did. Blueleaf, is a highly successful digital design agency, with an impressive list of high-profile clients. Blueleaf and the way it operates is an expression of Adrian himself and is based on what’s most important to him, his values. This means he can give his best every day just by being himself. Of course there are the normal ups and downs of business life (as the LinkedIn article also illustrates) but being fully himself means that he has the energy and enthusiasm to tackle them all.

He and his business partner have since identified the company’s core values. These are not just words on a poster somewhere. Every employee is recruited and managed according to these values. It’s not always straightforward but he knows the difference it makes when people “get” each other and understand what the company is really about. Now combine that with an environment where people can be fully, unapologetically themselves (“bloody nice people” according to the website) and there’s nothing fluffy about the results.

Try these 5 questions to help you dare to be more yourself at work

• On a scale of 1-10, how much am I being myself at work (1 = not at all, 10 = fully)
• What are the bits of myself I do bring to work?
• What are the bits I am holding back?
• How would I describe the true me in three words?
• What would be different if I was being fully myself?

And if you’re still not sure about how to get started being more YOU at work, please get in touch. It's easier then you think.

Mike the Boilerman's lessons in loving your work

I had the pleasure of meeting "Mike the Boilerman" a few weeks ago.  Mike, as the name suggests, fixes boilers.  There is, however, one key point that set Mike apart from the fleet of other similar engineers:

He loves his work.

I love my work too but when I initially meet my clients, they can struggle with the concept of "having a fulfilling career" (by which I mean loving your work more often than not enjoying it).  It's all very well in principle, it seems, but turning it in to reality can feel a bit far fetched.   

So what is his secret?

Know what you're good at

Mike was clear from an early age that he had an interest in and talent for fixing things.  He decided that, rather than fix lots of different things, he would specialise.  His quality of work meant that he quickly gained a reputation for being the "go to" person for boiler repairs.

So what?

What is your specialism?  What are you the "go to" person for?  This can be a practical skill or knowledge set but can also be expertise in bringing people together, high quality work or pragmatism.
What you know what you're good at - and are not shy about acknowledging this strength, others will see it more clearly too.

Set expectations

There is no "under promise and over deliver".  He's not out to make a quick buck.  He is clear about how he works and how he charges from the outset.  He doesn't do boiler installations or bathrooms.  He does boiler repairs.  That is all.

He found that, by setting expectations early, people could make more informed decisions and that made for a better working environment for both parties.

So what?

What are you prepared to say yes and no to?  How well do you set expectations; either personally or for your teams?

Make it easy

We are so good at making things way more complicated than they need to be.  In my experience, is it usually because we are concerned about what others may think, say or do as a result.

Mike realised that issuing invoices and chasing payment was taking up way too much of his time.  
His solution was to take payment either in advance or on site.  Would people resist?  Some did but, as he said, those that are resistant are usually the ones who would require chasing under the old process so they are no loss.

So what?

What if it really was that easy? What are you telling yourself about the consequences and what facts do you have that this is the case?

What next?

Mike and I are not the only ones who love our work.  I am meeting more and more individuals now who have found a fulfilling role which they enjoy.  Whether in a large organisation, a start up or your own business, there is something out there that will light your fire.  
Get in touch if you'd like to see how I can help you find work you love.
And if you still don't believe it exists, just ask Mike.

Thinking about the next steps in your career? Stop!

 My family used to tease me for my inability to make decisions. Whether I was choosing food in a restaurant (fish or ribs) or which options to take at school (Latin or Art), it was not unusual for me to agonise over the pros and cons, delaying the final decision as long as possible for fear of getting it “wrong”.

Actually, my family’s teasing was a bit unfair. I made many big decisions (which university, which course, where to live) quickly and easily. I know now that I would get “stuck”, not because I couldn’t decide but because my thought process was at odds with what I felt; my intuition or gut instinct.

Going back 7 years, I had a good job and I was ambitious. Thinking about what to do to further my career sounded like this:

“I work for a successful company; I have worked hard for 11 years and am regularly promoted; my skills are needed; I am well paid; my role is secure. Answer - Work harder; Deliver more; Target the next promotion.”

In my head, lots of boxes were being ticked. But the answer my head came up with didn’t feel motivating or inspiring (which is a requirement for me if I’m going to work hard for it). I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy because, logically, I had everything I wanted! Perhaps I had no right to be unhappy because I should have been grateful to have a job at all?

So what?

If you rely on logic, intelligence and experience to make a decision, you will make sound, evidence-based decisions which will, more often than not, be spot on in a business situation. However, choices that impact your life (your home, your family, your career, your health) draw upon feelings, dreams and values. Ignore them at your peril as their intangibility belies their power!

Back to 7 years ago, I put my logical thoughts to one side and listened to what else was going on;

“I am stuck; opportunities are limited; there is no commitment to change here; I am wasting my time; my skills are undervalued. Answer - Take charge; Stop whining and do something about it!”

Stuck

In this situation, my thoughts about my career were only part of the picture. I was effectively being pulled in two different directions and, although my intuition made no logical sense, ignoring it was not making it go away, it was just stopping me making a good decision so I became “stuck”.

“Stuck” is not a fun place to be. It is a place you arrive at when you feel you have “no choice”. You may feel obligated or restricted by your responsibilities or your specialist skills or the state of the external job market – all of which feel out of your control or influence. And when you feel that your options are limited or removed, it is easy to lose your spark. 

Pause your thoughts

Your intelligence is unquestionable and has provided answers to career-defining moments in the past. So what’s getting in the way this time?

Your mind is exceptional. It is the ultimate multi-tasking tool. But it can get crowded in there.

If your career development thought process involves innumerable options, potential options, risks and scenarios based on evidence, extrapolation and pure conjecture or if it results in just one option that you don’t like but can’t think your way around, it could be because your thoughts are at odds with your intuition. (I think of it as gut instinct or intuition. Call it what you will, you possess it and it has something important to say!)

What does your intuition say? What is your reaction? What are you telling yourself about what comes up?

Do you mistrust your intuition? Perhaps you judge it as frivolous or irresponsible? I thought mine sounded like a spoiled child. And perhaps, on its own, it is. However, when you are able to combine your logic and your intuition, your opportunities open up and your decisions become much easier.
You have a choice.

Choice is the antidote to being stuck.

It’s up to you whether you choose to listen to your intuition fully or just to the parts that make “sense”. No matter how scary or ridiculous they may seem, ignoring or shutting down the messages from your intuition, does not make them go away.

The key is to make a conscious choice. Feeling stuck is about not choosing – either because you don’t know what to choose or because you don’t feel you have a choice. Making a specific choice, even if that is to stay doing what you’re doing, demonstrates that you are taking responsibility for your career path.

For me, choice meant updating my cv and actively seeking a new opportunity. I secured my dream job shortly afterwards but, actually, the biggest thrill was in making the decision to look in the first place. I had taken charge, stopped whining and done something about it. 

Getting Unstuck

Try these questions to take you out of your thoughts and to access your gut instinct. It helps if you answer quickly and either speak or write the words. Try not to censor yourself or judge what you say/write.

• Imagine it is 5 years from now and you are happy – what are you doing?
• If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

If you feel “stuck” at the moment or are unsure about your career options, get in touch and we can work on it together. www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

On Your Marks.... Get Set....

Returning to work after a good holiday can feel like being asked to run a marathon after eating a four course meal. You feel a bit sick and under prepared. You don’t know exactly what to expect but it’s likely to be hard. You’re not even sure what the prize will be at the end. But you grit your teeth and open that Inbox anyway.

Most of us know we need to come back to exercise gently after a break. Going in too hard, too soon causes injuries which, in turn, can impact our ability to hit our fitness goals.

So, rather than taking a deep breath and just diving back in to work, let’s look at what we can learn from the athletes approach.

Successful athletes know that they are more likely to achieve their goals by developing three main elements: their physical aptitude, their technical skills/experience and their mindset.

You may be already conscious of what you eat and how much you exercise. You probably have a plan to develop enhance your skills/experience.

But what about your mindset?

An athlete’s mind:

• Envisages the outcome – what it will be like to cross the finish line/make the putt/score the goal
• Focuses on what matters – every activity moves them towards their goal
• Takes self-care seriously – they eat well, sleep well and do what they can to avoid injury
• Understands the cost of commitment – whether it’s a restricted diet or time away from family & friends, they consciously choose whether it is, or is not, worth it.

Not convinced?

When Andy Murray teamed up with Ivan Lendl, they worked as much on his mindset as they did on his physical and technical play. An Olympic gold medal and the Wimbledon title followed. And after Rory McIlroy prioritised his desire for a career Grand Slam over his forthcoming wedding, he duly won the Open and the US PGA, just needing the Masters to achieve his goal. Breaking off an engagement is a huge decision but it was a choice and only he could make decide whether it was right for him.

If you want to adopt an athlete’s mindset to help you back to race pace after your holidays, try these questions;

1. What is a great outcome for September and October?
   Envisage, draw, write about your personal and professional outcome. Add lots of detail and allow yourself to think BIG.
2. What is most important to you? 
   What are you not prepared to sacrifice for your goal?
3. What can you do everyday to keep you on track for your goal?
4. What will you do to look after yourself? 
   NB: This is not selfish, this is self-care. You cannot do all the things you want to, or support people who rely on you if you are not in top condition.
5. What are you prepared to start or stop to make your outcome a reality?

Answer these questions honestly and that marathon will feel like a walk in the park.

If you'd like to talk more about careers, choices and leadership, get in touch!

The Art of Procrastination

I've had something on my to do list for a while now. Months actually.

I've thought about it. I've written it down and looked at it. I've scheduled it in my diary. I've spent more mental energy on this one task that I care to calculate. The one thing I hadn't managed to do was the task itself. Until today.

Procrastination is pretty common and spending a few minutes time browsing your emails or trawling LinkedIn (or, let's be honest, Facebook) isn't necessarily a problem. Until it is.

Here are some signs that procrastination may be getting in your way:

• You've had something on your "to do" list for more than a week.
• You see-saw between the task being critically important and not necessary at all
• You plan it meticulously. And then revisit the plan on a regular basis.
• You think and talk about it. A lot.

Just to be clear as Joseph Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology, points out, procrastination is not about poor planning or inadequate time management. Nor is it a sign of laziness (although I confess to a smattering of all of the above.) It's that stomach-churning conflict of feeling compelled to do something but then doing anything BUT the task itself.

So, if it's not about poor planning or laziness, why do we do it?

Some people procrastinate because they get a thrill from leaving things until the last minute. For many people it is due to fear. In my case, it was a fear of failure and a fear of being judged (as a failure).

The problem is that procrastination doesn't negate the fear. In fact, all the time I was actively avoiding the task in question, my fear was growing. Each time I wrote it on my list and didn't do anything about it I was feeding the negative voices (you know, the ones who criticise everything) and deepening the fear of what would happen. Not helpful.

I believe that we make better decisions, achieve greater success and are more fulfilled when we are able to effectively combine our feelings with our logical thought processes. When logic is exercised to the exclusion of emotion, we limit our creativity. Equally, when emotion takes control, we lose objectivity.

So What?

If you're in the grip of procrastination, deal with it at the source. Recognise the emotion that is at play and apply logic to put it in its place. Here are some tips that I find useful:

• Imagine the worst case scenario. Give yourself a set time (5 minutes is probably plenty) to allow your fears to run riot. Then consider what you come up with objectively. What is the likelihood of this happening? What would you do if this did actually happen? Would it be really so bad?
• Break it down. Split it in to smaller elements. What is the smallest step you could take towards doing it? Do that, then do the next smallest step. This will reduce the power of the "big" thing. Even if you spend just 10 minutes on it (set a timer) and then stop.
• JFDI. Just Flippin Do It. When we're over-thinking, sometimes we need to call upon our inner sergeant major. Stop thinking, close your eyes (metaphorically), hold on tight and just DO.

Having got on and done what I'd been avoiding for so long, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. My mind is clear and my general productivity has increased. And, guess what? All the things I'd been worrying about just don't matter any more. I had wasted all that time and, more importantly, energy for no reason so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let procrastination take over again.

If you're putting off something that will make a big difference to your life and work, get in touch or find out more about what I do at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk.

When is a Holiday not a Holiday?

I wish I could think of a good punchline to this.  (I’m open to ideas!)  My answer, albeit an unfunny one, is “when you don’t feel recharged and refreshed for at least a month afterwards”.

A month?  Quite a tall order perhaps but why not? 

We all need a break now and then.  Whether it’s a 5-star luxury retreat, a trans-global adventure or a few days pottering at home, a holiday is more than just a place we go or a set of things we’re going to DO.  A holiday is TIME.

Time is usually the first word that comes up when talking about making a change.  The lack of it, naturally.

So, when you make time for a holiday, what are you actually making time for?

At this point, most people list a variation of “sun”, “food” and “sleep”.  As lavish as these elements are, this is usually about repair.  You know that feeling when you’ve been out waaaay to late or drunk waaay too much and you just want to crawl in to bed and sleep for 12 hours.  Our first thoughts on holiday are often to just “switch off”. It’s a NEED.

So, if that’s the case, give yourself time to repair.  Go on!  If you ignore this bit, how will you be able to get on with the really good stuff?

Now you have decided what the repair phase looks like, ask yourself again;

“What is your holiday making time for?”

Draw, scribble, list, doodle or talk/record your answers.  Give all those thoughts that have been buzzing around a chance to come out. 

“What is most important to me?”

Which of those thoughts, ideas or tasks stand out for you?  Not what you think SHOULD stand out, but what you feel compelled by.  What makes you nervous or excited?

“How do I want to feel at the end of this holiday?”

If your answers so far feel like a “to do” list, adding more pressure and using up more time, describing a feeling really helps. It gets you out of your thoughts and focuses on your emotions and physical state (breathing, pulse, muscles).  It also allows your intuition to get involved too!

Negotiate

Unless you are holidaying alone, there will be others who will have their own ideas of what a great holiday looks like.  Having a conversation about how you’d each like to feel at the end helps figure out something that will work best for everyone.

Check In

Being really clear about what you want from your time away from work, before you go, increases the chances of it actually happening.  Whether it's having more fun with the family or using your creativity to solve a business issue or both, you can create the conditions to get the most from your time away.

Apply the same principles when you go back to work and, before you know it, you’ll still be reaping the benefits of your precious time away while you prepare for your next holiday!

Ever Felt Stuck? Rediscover The Power of Choice.

Several years ago, I was discussing my day with my husband.  It had been a tough one.  Again.

Usually he took the role of "listening wall" - be there, absorb, don't flinch - except this time he stopped me part way through my tale and offered me this:

"You can choose your emotional response to what's happening. You are choosing to be unhappy about it.  Why not choose a different response?"

I didn't take this too well.  Choose my response? What choice did I have? This was my job.  It was my livelihood. I was expected to just get on with it wasn't I?  I felt "stuck" with my lot and quite powerless to change it.

The thing is, he was spot on.  I had been so busy blaming other things - my director, the company culture, the unfairness of the whole situation - I had forgotten that I had a choice.  In fact, a number of choices.  Some may have been unpalatable (just quit), some may have been scary (plan to leave) and some were plain wild (quit, sell the house and travel around the world) but they were available to me.

No longer the victim of circumstance, I was back in charge of my own life.  Phew!

Feeling "stuck" is not pleasant.  It's uncomfortable, smothering, claustrophobic even.  Sometimes we confuse being "stuck" with feeling secure.  Do you find yourself saying "I have a job, I should be happy/grateful"? Notice the "should"?  That's a red flag word.  So, if you think you might be stuck, here are four tips to get back in charge of your choices.

1. Acknowledge you DO have choices.

Thinking about, writing down or speaking about choices does NOT mean you are making that choice.  We too often shut down the possibilities available to us because we fear that thinking about them will cause trouble:
We catastrophise: I don't dare to think about leaving my job because I might then lose my house, wife, family.
We molly coddle:  I don't dare to think about having a job that I love which pays me a great salary because I might be disappointed
We presume: I don't dare think about moving to somewhere else because my wife/children/parents will hate it
These are all excuses. Allow yourself to imagine, to think, to create.  Sometimes the most enlightening ideas come from a seemingly "impossible" choice.

2. Recognise HOW you make choices.

Typically we either Think, Feel or Know when we make choices.  Thinkers lead with logic, practicality and facts.  Feelers will often ask others opinions, be led by emotions, will create stories or images about the potential outcomes.  Knowers will decide fairly quickly and independently, without always being able to explain why they've made that choice.
Naturally, we don't use just one of these approaches.  In fact, it is really powerful to harness all three.  To recognise how you make choices, think back to the best decision you've ever made.  What brought you to that decision?
Having trouble making a decision? Perhaps you're ignoring what your lead factor is telling you?  For instance, we often turn to our Think factor if our instinct (Know) is saying something scary!

3. Make POWERFUL choices

Our values are a core part of who we are and what makes us happy.  When faced with a choice, your values will make the answers much clearer and simpler.  Your choice will either be true to one or more of your values or will ignore them/go against them.
If you're not sure of your values, answer this "Success in my life means......." and then for each part of your response follow up with "Which means that...." until you get to the source of what is most important to you.  NB this will not be money or time.  Dig past that to get to the real stuff.

4. Choice = change

Change is inevitable.  Even if you stay as still as you can, everything around you is changing all the time.  And you can't control it all, no matter how hard you try.  Every choice comes with a risk.  The "what if...." factor.  And that's OK.  Don't be afraid of the "What if".  Just as in point 1. thinking about it doesn't make it happen.  Work it through.  Think about what you would do "if" your choice didn't work out the way you wanted it to.  What could you do now to mitigate it or minimise the impact?

And if, after all that, you don't change anything, that's OK too.  Choosing NOT to do something is still a choice and by making that choice, you have started a change in and around you.

My favourite saying when I'm deliberating choices is "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" from Susan Jeffers book of the same name.  I've never read the book.  For me, the title is enough to jolt me out of my procrastination.

If you'd like to know more about how you can make powerful choices, contact me to arrange a chemistry call.

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk 

Success and Happiness - Which Comes First?

A friend emailed me a great article this week. The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor considered the motivational factors of happiness and success and whether one ultimately drove the other.

The report proposed that happiness is a precursor to success.  Because success is relative, as soon as we get close to the "target" it loses its value so we set a new, tougher challenge without feeling the benefit of achievement.

Sound familiar?

Most of us have been conditioned since birth to respond to a reward mechanism that works on the basis of "if you do x, you'll get y".  Whether it's good behaviour leading to a sweet treat or taking on "special projects" on top of your day job to secure a bonus payment or promotion, we are taught that achievement will give us positive results.

So where does how we feel about what we're doing come in to the equation? It saddens me when I hear someone say "Work's work isn't it. You're not supposed to enjoy it."  Really? Says who?  Show me the rule that says we're not supposed to enjoy what we do for at least 40% of our waking hours! I choose not to buy in to that myth.

And I'm not talking about superficial perma-smiles or some lofty "head in the air" kind of happiness either.
The Happiness Advantage author Shawn Achor says that the greatest competitive advantage in the modern economy is a positive and engaged brain.  That is genuine, floating-my-boat, even the bad days are good, happiness. And he goes on the suggest that your brain actually works better when you are happy!

Not sure how? Start with these questions and get in touch if you want to know more.

• What does happiness mean to me?
• What activities in life make me happy?
• What is the best bit about my job now? What would it be like to do that bit all the time?
• What impact does my level of happiness have on those around me?
• Who is the happiest person I know and what do I tell myself about them? 
• What do my thoughts about them tell me about how I feel about being happy?

Let me know your thoughts on how you relate happiness and success and how they work for you!

Stephanie
www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

p.s. credit to http://fernandocadena.com/tag/happiness/ for the picture!