Having a Wobble? Me too, and that's OK

 "Mum, why is everything going wrong?"

I told myself I'd be the kind of parent who would always encourage questions from my children and who would answer them all as honestly and openly as I could but this one caught me out.
He'd just asked me to turn off the radio which was reporting news of Roy Hodgson's resignation after England's shock defeat to Iceland at the Euros.  This, on top of the referendum result and the ensuing chaos, was the last straw.
He was scared, upset and unsure.  It felt like each day there was a new, unwelcome surprise and a new area of uncertainty.  He didn't understand why it was all happening and he didn't know what was going to happen next.
In some ways I wish I could magic away his concerns but I also know that acknowledging worries and learning how to work with them is such a useful skill.  So, instead of dusting off my magic wand, here's what I'll be telling him tonight:

Having a wobble is normal

Everyone feels scared, unsure or worried sometimes.  When things take us by surprise or when we're not sure what's going to happen next, it can make us feel like everything is out of control and that feels uncomfortable.  Make a list what is worrying you, that way we can look at each thing separately.

Yes, you still have to go to school

Today you went to school, played with your friends and went swimming, just as you did last Tuesday.  This morning you ate cereal, just like you did yesterday.  This afternoon you'll play Clash Royale just like you do every day after school.  And tonight, I'll make tea and you probably won't want to eat it.  And I'll make you, just like I do most evenings.
When we have a wobble we can focus on all the stuff that's changing or all the things we're unsure about.  Remembering and noticing all the things that are the same helps us get the changes in perspective.

Stop picking the scabs

I know that picking the scab on your knee can be interesting and even fun but it also stops your skin from healing properly.  When you're upset by something, it can be easy to listen to and watch things that keep you feeling upset.  When you switch off those things and do something else, other thoughts and emotions get a chance to come in and give the upset bits a chance to heal.
My social media feeds are generally positive and uplifting.  I'm not engaging with the posts and discussions that aren't.

Tidy your room

No, it's not some kind of trick to get you to do stuff! Having a clear out is about taking control and thinking of the future.  You decide what is important and what's not, what stays and what goes.  Whatever else is going on "out there", you can still take charge and make a difference, even if it's just in your bedroom.
Maybe he'll have forgotten all about it by the time he comes home.  I hope so. But I know it won't be the last time he has a wobble and I know that his question helped me recognise my own wobble for what it was and reminded me that it's normal, that not everything's changed and that it will pass.  Oh, and that my bedroom could do with a good sort out!
Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Holidays - Are They Worth The Hassle?

Everyone looks forward to taking a holiday, right?  We yearn for the days to go more quickly, to fast-forward to the point where we are on that beach or holding a cold beer or frolicking in the pool.
We promise ourselves we will use the time wisely; keep up with regular exercise, capture all the creative ideas we'll have, take stock and re-charge.

From dreaming to dreading

This blissful, mental-escapism probably lasts until about a week before your departure.  At this point, the word "holiday" may well set your heart racing for all the wrong reasons.
The must-do-before-leaving list is not getting any shorter.  Your diary is already full for the week you return.  The complexity of handing over multiple projects to multiple people makes you wonder whether it would be easier to can the holiday and just get on with it yourself.
In fact, a study of 96 employees in the Netherlands, mentioned in an article by the British Psychological Society, found that indicators of health and welling actually worsened in the week immediately before taking annual leave.  Other studies noted that physical illnesses increased in the first week away from work due, they surmised, to the impact on the immune system caused by a sudden shift from a high-stress environment to a low-stress environment.
And most of us are familiar with the feeling (usually by day 2 of returning) as though we've never been away.  I've even heard people question the value of taking time off work at all!
Logically and intuitively, we know this isn't how it's supposed to be but when we're in the middle of it all, it can be hard to see a workable alternative.  So what can we do to make the holiday reality feel closer to the holiday dream?

Preparing to leave:

Remember, no one is irreplaceable at work. 

If you think things will grind to a halt while you're away, you may represent a single point of failure.  Without being too maudlin, what would happen if you didn't turn up at work tomorrow....or ever again?
While it can feel good to feel needed, if you are so essential you can never take a break, it can have the opposite effect on your well-being.
What are the things that only you can do?  You want that list to be short and specific to your skills and experience - and even these items can be shared or delegated for certain periods. Don't confuse being needed with adding value.  After all, leadership is what happens when you're not there!

Take more (smaller) holidays

Building up to one, big break can feel overwhelming.  Consider taking a few long weekends or a couple of mid-week days off during the year.  These shorter absences are good ways of training yourself to step away from work.  Major things are unlikely to go wrong while you're away for such a short time and you can build on what went well, and what didn't, ready for your next break.

Run, jump or walk away on your last day in the office

My last day before holiday was always a long one.  Leaving work late in the evening often meant I was still mentally processing well in to the night or even the next day.  Exercise, whether the gym, a class or a walk, counteracts stress so you can mentally and physically leave work behind.

During:

Set your own rules and stick to them

Some people turn everything off and forget about work.  For others, not knowing what may be happening or what they may be coming back to is a source of stress in itself.
Think about what would work for you.  If you'd prefer to keep on top of your Inbox or make a couple of calls, talk to the people you're holidaying with.  Agree on a plan that suits you all.
Personally, checking my emails for a maximum of 15 minutes, twice a week is sufficient for me to know what's there and to deal with it if required.  This leaves me free to enjoy every last bit of my time away.

Make it last 

Apparently we are most likely to remember the best, worst and last moments of an experience.  Often our last days away involve mundane tasks so think about what you can also do to create a positive lasting memory.

Coming back:

Break yourself in gently

Avoid Mondays!  Starting back on a Wednesday (or Thursday or Friday) gives you time to ramp back up with the weekend not far away.  This is particularly useful as returning from holiday creates work at home too (unpacking, washing, food shopping etc.) which can feel like a double whammy downer!

Bring more holiday to every day

Did you sit in one place for days on end while you were away?  Even if you spent a lot of time on a sun-lounger, the chances are you also moved a bit, even it was just from pool to bar to restaurant.  So why is it that so many of us find ourselves "stuck" at our desk or in back-to-back meetings within hours of returning to work?  This is not how we thrive.
While it may not be practical to take a daily siesta, moving regularly and getting fresh air, even if only for 10 minutes at a time, has a positive impact on our concentration, memory and stress levels.

Smoothing the transition

As I write, I am noticing that the main theme here is about the shift from work to holiday and back again - the transition.  We talk about switching on (at work) and switching off (not at work) as if it were as simple as completing or breaking a circuit, but it's not.  The more we can smooth these transitions, the better it will be for our mental and physical well-being and, I suspect, for our productivity.
But I'm not suggesting we maintain a laid-back "manana" throughout.  Colin Wilson, CEO of coaching and training organisation Business Athlete, highlights  the significance of transitions for elite athletes.  Watch top-seeded tennis players between points or a rugby team re-grouping during a match.  It's these mini "holidays" taken at key points that actually support their peak performance when it counts.
I wish you a lovely holiday whenever, wherever and however you choose to take it and may you return to work energised, refreshed and raring to go!
If this still feels like an impossible task, do get in touch.
Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change.
Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Is being selfish the secret to happiness?

It's 6.30am and I'm kissing my half-asleep son goodbye before I leave to catch the train.
"Ditcher!" he mutters, sleepily.
This is a word used frequently in our household by my 10 year old.  It has become his stock response to any situation where someone other than me will be looking after him outside school hours i.e. he's being "ditched", hence I am a "Ditcher".
The word is usually accompanied by a cheeky grin and I am comforted by the humour in those exchanges but, that day, I left home with a feeling of discomfort that lingered for a couple of days.
The discomfort was, I realised, because I was putting myself first. 
My (tangled) thought process went something like this:

• That piece of work sounds amazing! I want to do it!
• Q: But what about the impact on others? 
• I want to do it! I can do things to reduce the impact on others! 
• Q: But what about the impact on others?
• They'll be alright!  I want to do it.  I'll do it anyway!
• Q:  But what about the impact on others?
• I am a selfish, horrible person and a bad mother.....

And even though I've been here before and I know this is not the truth, it still felt rubbish.
This situation isn't specific to working parents either.  A passing comment from a friend, an instinctive reaction from your spouse, even sarcasm from an unpleasant colleague can have us questioning ourselves.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of reflection.  But what happens when we give others opinions, feelings or requests far more weight than our own?  And what about when we discount an option without even discussing it because we are concerned about someone else's reaction? 
I'm not suggesting you ignore the impacts on or opinions of those around you. Asking, listening, talking and exploring options with people who matter to you can be a powerful part of the decision making process.  The secret is using that information (rather than guesswork or presumption) alongside your own area of expertise - you.
You know what brings out your best.  You know what fulfills you, what drives you and what gives you goosebumps.  You know what is most important to you and what you want and need around you to be successful (whatever your definition of success).
When we are doing things we enjoy, with people we enjoy, we feel good.  When we feel good, we are nicer to be around.  When we are nicer to be around, our relationships with others improve.  There's a positive ripple effect which benefits us and those around us.  
I know I am a better person when I am fulfilled.  I am a better coach, a better friend and a better mother.  It can feel like a delicate balance at times and one I will certainly get wrong on occasion.  But only I can decide where the balance lies.
So whether it's investing in that course, going to the gym before you go home, exploring a new career path or choosing exciting work rather than the school run, if it makes a positive difference to you, it will also make a positive difference to those you care about.
I'm going to be a "Ditcher" again shortly and I'm fine with that.

Starting school? A game-changer for working parents

Being a working parent is hard.

Before I go on, I acknowledge that being a working parent is, generally, a situation of our own making.  We have chosen at some point to combine paid employment with raising our children.

Loving your children and enjoying work is not mutually exclusive.  People will judge (see coverage on the recently announced pregnancy of Yahoo's Marissa Meyer) and articles will publicise statistics which prove that it is either the best or worst thing for children daily. So it's hardly suprising that, at times, we wonder whether we have made the best choice.

Nursery was easy. I had happy kids being well-cared for during my working hours. Naturally, I'd have a wobble now and then but, instinctively, it felt right.

School was a game-changer.

The hours are short. The holidays are long.  Your child notices that other parents are there when you are not - and they ask you why. Ouch. 

If this sounds familiar, I empathise but don't despair. The points below helped me during the times I was convinced I was a shoddy employee and an even worse mother. 

Talk

Ask your children questions about their day.  It can be easy, when we're still in work-mode, to go through the motions of "How was school?" or "What have you done today?"  

Changing your questions can help your child think back on the fun parts or the memorable parts of school and make for more interesting answers for you to listen to.

Talk to them about your day.  What did you do that was fun or exciting?  I know I found myself telling them that my day have been boring or stressful, which prompted the obvious question "Why do you do it then?" Out of the mouths of babes.....  When I thought about the best bits of my day, I felt better about my day and they could see that there was a positive reason that I was not at the school gates with the other parents.

Listen 

Really listen.  It took me a while to be able to do this but it genuinely made a difference.

When you get home, create a time where you focus on nothing but being with your child/children and you listen to them.  No tidying up, no preparing food, no phone, no emails, no TV.  Just you and them.

For me, it was bath time when the outside world stopped and we connected properly.  It made a difference to me and to them.

Check in

Your intuition is important.  Even if your professional decisions are based purely on facts and figures, your personal decisions are likely in involve a good dose of intuition or gut instinct.  This is because your intuition is tuned in to your values. Checking in regularly helps you distinguish between "just a bad day" and something that is genuinely not working for you. 

Consider your options

Whether you're happy with how things are or want something to change, working through your options is a really useful excercise.  Even if you feel "stuck" with how things are now, the truth is you always have a choice. 

Let your imagination run wild for a bit and write down or sketch out as many potential options as you can possibly create.  Everything is allowed.  Even the impractical, improbable and seemingly impossible.  

Just acknowledging that you have a choice is usually liberating in itself.  When you review your page(s) of options, there may be one or parts of one that draws your attention.  Pay attention to it.

Be kind to yourself

Wobbles are normal.  Children have wobbles too.  Yes, even children with stay at home parents. 

Be gentle with yourself.  Only you know what's best for you and your family.  Trust yourself and, if that's hard, imagine what the person who knows you best would say to you.

We can only ever do what we believe is best with the information (whether facts, figures or intuition) and resources we have available at the time. So give yourself a break and know that, whatever you decide, you can change your mind!

If what you've read resonates with you, do visit my website or drop me an email. I'd love to hear from you. 

Best wishes,

Stephanie

Returning From Maternity - The Ebb & Flow of Mother's Guilt

When I had my first child, the comment that stood out from all the helpful and not-so-helpful advice proffered by friends and family was this:

"You are and will always be an amazing mother and you will always do the best you can with what you've got.  And whatever you do, you will always feel guilty."

I was reminded about this nugget as I read the article "Managing the guilt of returning to work" by Louisa Symington-Mills in The Guardian this week.

Reading it back now, the comment sounds quite dark but, at the time, it gave me so much relief. I was allowed to feel guilty. It was normal.

What it didn't say was what I was going to feel guilty about.  Louisa expresses the guilt of leaving her "tiny, dependent son".  For me, it was the guilt of wanting to go back to work.  I imagine that for others the guilt is something else again.

So what is guilt?

Guilt is an emotion.  And emotions, according to cognitive theory, are driven by our thoughts.  The emotion of guilt is typically driven by the thought that we are responsible for someone else's misfortune.
It feels important here to note that our thoughts are not facts.  It is enough just to think we're responsible in order to feel the guilt associated with it.

What can I do about it?

That this emotion is linked to how we think is useful because it gives us something to work with.  If we can change our thoughts, we can change our emotions.

This doesn't mean ignoring or pretending.  And it doesn't really mean looking at what you feel guilty about (e.g. leaving your child/wanting to work).

It means looking objectively at our thoughts and testing them out; essentially challenging our version of "the truth".

How? 

If you are noticing feelings of guilt related to being a mother, try these two questions:

1. What evidence do I have that this is a fact?
2. What is another view point I have not considered? 

In my case, the un-packing of my guilt went something like this:

I feel guilty because I want to go to work. 
My thoughts about my children: I think my children will be unhappy and emotionally harmed if I leave them with someone else.
What I'm really thinking: I'm a bad mother 
I feel guilty because I want a break.
My thoughts about my children: I am unable to give my child all the energy and enthusiasm he needs.
What I'm really thinking: I'm a bad mother
I feel guilty because I don't enjoy being at home.
My thoughts about my children: I can't provide the perfect environment for my children.
What I'm really thinking: I'm failing as a woman.

So, I am a bad mother and failure as a woman!  It sounds almost preposterous now and yet, thinking back, I can still feel the powerful emotion of that time when it felt very very real.

By working through my thoughts objectively, I was able to see that the evidence I had in front of me did not support my thoughts.  For every negative thought, there were other, different perspectives.  It didn't rid me of my guilt completely but I was able to turn it down and balance it with the positives that I started to recognise.

So what happens next?

I still feel guilty sometimes. I do think it goes with the territory.  But when it does rear its head, I remember the most important part of the shared wisdom from the past and I remind myself that I'm doing the best I can and that is always good enough.

If you would like to work with me to conquer mother's guilt then do get in touch.
steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk