6 Things 12 Year Olds do Way Better Than Us!

I have an admission. I wasn’t looking forward to my 12 year old son’s school concert. As excited as he was, I was imagining a 60 minute ear-assault followed by polite clapping and a headache.

But as each group, pair and soloist took to the stage, I was struck by the fact that these pre-teens had more spirit, courage and resilience than the vast majority of their 40-something year old audience.

This is not a stage school. The students volunteered to perform solos or in small groups rather than being selected. Some of them looked shy and uncomfortable under the spot lights. Some made mistakes by forgetting words or missing a note. But they performed, they bowed, they sat down, they beamed.

How many times have you held yourself back? What have you opted out of or avoided because you were afraid of what might happen or of what people might say? What is your equivalent of singing on stage in front of 250 people?

So what is it that makes a 12 year old try what a 42 year old wouldn’t?

Characteristics of a 12 year old (and what we could learn from them)

• They think “yeah, why not? I can do that!” (self-belief)
• They are willing to give it a go even if they haven’t done it before (balanced approach to risk)
• They imagine that it will be amazing (positive mindset)
• They have fun (motivation and their purpose!)
• They do it with friends (positive environment)
• They keep it simple (clarity about what’s important)

What would be possible if you adopted some of these characteristics? The next time an opportunity comes up which you’d previously have shied away from, try thinking like a 12 year old and see what happens.

If you want to find out more about increasing your clarity, motivation and self-belief, drop me an email steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Stephanie Smith is a coach specialising in the world of work. She works with individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

The Art of Procrastination

I've had something on my to do list for a while now. Months actually.

I've thought about it. I've written it down and looked at it. I've scheduled it in my diary. I've spent more mental energy on this one task that I care to calculate. The one thing I hadn't managed to do was the task itself. Until today.

Procrastination is pretty common and spending a few minutes time browsing your emails or trawling LinkedIn (or, let's be honest, Facebook) isn't necessarily a problem. Until it is.

Here are some signs that procrastination may be getting in your way:

• You've had something on your "to do" list for more than a week.
• You see-saw between the task being critically important and not necessary at all
• You plan it meticulously. And then revisit the plan on a regular basis.
• You think and talk about it. A lot.

Just to be clear as Joseph Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology, points out, procrastination is not about poor planning or inadequate time management. Nor is it a sign of laziness (although I confess to a smattering of all of the above.) It's that stomach-churning conflict of feeling compelled to do something but then doing anything BUT the task itself.

So, if it's not about poor planning or laziness, why do we do it?

Some people procrastinate because they get a thrill from leaving things until the last minute. For many people it is due to fear. In my case, it was a fear of failure and a fear of being judged (as a failure).

The problem is that procrastination doesn't negate the fear. In fact, all the time I was actively avoiding the task in question, my fear was growing. Each time I wrote it on my list and didn't do anything about it I was feeding the negative voices (you know, the ones who criticise everything) and deepening the fear of what would happen. Not helpful.

I believe that we make better decisions, achieve greater success and are more fulfilled when we are able to effectively combine our feelings with our logical thought processes. When logic is exercised to the exclusion of emotion, we limit our creativity. Equally, when emotion takes control, we lose objectivity.

So What?

If you're in the grip of procrastination, deal with it at the source. Recognise the emotion that is at play and apply logic to put it in its place. Here are some tips that I find useful:

• Imagine the worst case scenario. Give yourself a set time (5 minutes is probably plenty) to allow your fears to run riot. Then consider what you come up with objectively. What is the likelihood of this happening? What would you do if this did actually happen? Would it be really so bad?
• Break it down. Split it in to smaller elements. What is the smallest step you could take towards doing it? Do that, then do the next smallest step. This will reduce the power of the "big" thing. Even if you spend just 10 minutes on it (set a timer) and then stop.
• JFDI. Just Flippin Do It. When we're over-thinking, sometimes we need to call upon our inner sergeant major. Stop thinking, close your eyes (metaphorically), hold on tight and just DO.

Having got on and done what I'd been avoiding for so long, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. My mind is clear and my general productivity has increased. And, guess what? All the things I'd been worrying about just don't matter any more. I had wasted all that time and, more importantly, energy for no reason so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let procrastination take over again.

If you're putting off something that will make a big difference to your life and work, get in touch or find out more about what I do at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk.

The Value of Failure

Generally, we don't set out to fail at things.  Motivation often comes from the thoughts and images of what could be and we turn that in to actions that take us closer to it.  Increasingly we encourage our children to "think positive" and to embrace the idea that they can be anything they want to be.

What happens when we fail?  

Failure, at some point in our lives is inevitable.  On some level, things will not work out exactly the way we had in mind.  And our reaction when it happens is very important.

At an early age, I enjoyed school.  I was pretty smart and did well in tests.  I quickly became used to being at or near the top of the class.  When I didn't score quite so high, the attention was uncomfortable.

"I can't believe I got more than YOU in that test!"  My reaction was to withdraw and to stop trying.  My (subconcious) theory was that if I didn't try then I wouldn't really have failed.

Typically there are three reactions to failure:

• Withdrawal - if I don't try/compete/take this risk then I can't fail (fear of failure)
• Single-minded determination - I will do whatever it takes to succeed next time (still fear of failure) 
• Growth - I've learned something new so what will I do with this knowledge? (focus on change and choice)

Our own reaction says a great deal about our likelihood of success in the future.  

I was astonished when I heard that the top Baseball players in the USA only successfully hit the ball around one third of the time.  So, 2 out of 3 balls pitched to them will either be caught or missed entirely meaning they will be making that long walk back, in front of hundreds of thousands of people.  And that player will have to do that again and again and again.  Their ability to absorb this "failure" and to use it to improve their game determines their success in the sport.

Discovering your failure muscle

Forward thinking companies and educators are coming to realise the importance of getting comfortable with failure. Encouraging students or start up companies to take risks and to experience failure is almost like exercising a new muscle. It can feel a bit sore at first but soon you feel stronger and better for it.  This is also know as resilience.  The ability to deal with anything that comes your way.  To be able to fail and feel upset or frustrated and to know that, in a day or so, you'll be thinking about what happened and considering your options for what's next.

So, if you recognise yourself in either of the first two categories, consider what you could see by looking at failure through the eyes of a baseball player.

• What would be different?  
• What opportunities are available to you?
• What decisions would you make now that you've been delaying? 

And when my fear of failure tried to make an appearance?

To discuss your reaction to failure or for a conversation about how coaching can help you, please get in touch: steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk or visit my website www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk