The Things "...." People Do Everyday

We've all seen the articles.  "15 small things successful people do everyday" "The 6 things the most productive people do everyday" "5 things happy people do everyday"

I enjoy them.  I don't always agree with them but they are quick to read and digest.  Many sound like common sense, describing actions or behaviours that we know, intellectually and instinctively, would make a positive difference to how we live our lives.  So how come we're not all doing them and being successful, productive and happy all the time?

In the opening sections of executive coach Marshall Goldsmith's book "Triggers", he acknowledges that some readers complain "I didn't read anything here that I don't already know".  His response? "True, but I bet you read plenty here that you don't already do." 

There is a BIG difference between what we know we should do or even what we want to do and what we actually do.  It's the end of January so I'm sure I don't need to mention the statistics on broken New Years Resolutions to prove this point!

Let's look past the strategies, mindsets and activities for a moment.  The common theme with these articles and, as it happens, a key element of Goldsmith's book, is the frequency; everyday.

Every day. Not just today and tomorrow or this month. Not twice a week. Every single day, including weekends!

I have quite a strong reaction to the thought of doing something every day.  It feels like a combination of restriction and monotony. It feels like it would be a chore. 

I enjoy variety and value autonomy.  Doing something every day, is so far removed from my normal way of operating (or so I tell myself), it would only be imposed on me by someone else.  My mental rebellion begins and I intellectualise all the reasons daily actions can't/won't work for me.

On reflection, there are plenty of things I do every day that don't feel like a chore.  From social niceties such as washing, cleaning my teeth and getting dressed, through to those I have consciously chosen like sending my children off to school with the words "Have a fun/wonderful day!"

I am physically and emotionally capable of doing something every day so I can't use that as an excuse.  None of these things feel restrictive or monotonous because they are natural.  They are just what I do, how I behave and who I am.  Making a successful change, therefore, means doing something different or new until it feels natural.

This is where size matters.  We tend to think that change has to be BIG to make a big difference.  We are looking for the "light bulb" moment or the life-changing decision. As exciting as this may sound, it can also feel overwhelming and scary.

In my experience big, positive differences often come from small, subtle changes. The articles named above and Goldsmith's book seem to agree. Things like how we treat ourselves, how we make decisions and how we speak to people all make a huge difference.  And changes in these areas are pretty easy to integrate in to our lives every day until they become part of who we are.

So if you want to make a positive change in your life this year, try the articles above, read Goldsmith's book or connect with me and consider what you will do every day to make a difference.

Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

What are you Waiting For? A Coach's Confession

It was red and shiny.  Its message, "Wake Up Be Awesome Repeat x 365" made me smile so, this time last year, I bought the 2015 diary you see in the picture.

Rather than routine things like appointments or to do lists, I was going to use it to record my successes and adventures in the year to come.  I know how powerful it is to celebrate both big and small achievements when they happen and this would capture them all.

I carried it around every day.  I saw it at least twice a day as I drew out and put away my laptop. 

My first entry was Friday 15th May.

So what happened for the first four and a half months of the year?
There were many times I considered writing something but, each time, I decided it wasn't "enough" to warrant an entry. 

Awesome is a tricky word.  Many people dislike it or feel its overuse has rendered it meaningless.  For me though, it's about being brave, adventurous or doing something totally out of the ordinary and nothing I did really met up to my expectation. 

I realised what was going on quite quickly.  Doing what I do for a living means I am self aware and, once identified, I can usually coach myself to a different mindset or behaviour.  That it took me four and a half months is, frankly, embarrassing. 

Human beings are gloriously complex.  If we weren't we'd all be predictable, stable and rule abiding.  But, thankfully, we are individuals and, as such, there are times when there is a disconnect between what we think, what we feel and what we do.

I know I'm not alone.  Other intelligent, experienced professionals get stuck too.  Particularly when the actions concern their own personal development, success or growth.  Ask them to do something for someone else's benefit? Done, there and then, with bells on and a smile.  Do something for their own benefit?  Still waiting......

But what are we waiting for? For more time? For the time to be "right"? For something to be good enough? For someone else to do it?
All this time spent waiting/planning/postponing/tweaking/justifying could be time spent doing something about it and enjoying the benefits! 

So, if you have an action that you are continually putting off, try answering these questions honestly;

• What do I want to achieve? Write it down. Notice how much wriggle room you give yourself and edit it until it's clear, concise and you get a nervous/excited feeling when you read it back.
• What is the smallest action I can take right now? If the action feels overwhelming, break it down.  The key thing is to so something NOW. Once you've done that, the next bit feel easier.

• Who can help me be accountable?  This is so simple and effective. We make excuses to ourselves but it's much harder to make excuses to others.
• What am I waiting for? Being totally honest, what would make you get started on your action right now, today? Permission from someone else? A guarantee you wouldn't fail? 
• What's the worst that could happen?  The reality is rarely as scary as we make up so instead of hiding from it, treat it as an adventure.

As for me and my shiny red diary?  We've become much better acquainted since Friday 15th May.  Flicking through it today, each entry makes me smile and reminds me of the event that triggered it.  In fact, I've enjoyed it so much, I'm going to keep making entries through 2016! The faltering start to 2015 is a fading memory that will serve to ensure I don't take four and a half months next time I set myself an action.

Creating a change, however small, can feel a bit bumpy.  It can take time as well as mental, emotional and physical energy.  But when it's done and you're on the other side, loving the impact, you wonder what took you so long.
If you have tips on how to get out of your own way or if you are holding back on taking an action that will make a positive difference to your life, I'd love to hear from you.

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Core Values. Essential knowledge or just a list of words?

Talking about “Values” can be a bit like asking someone to eat Marmite on toast. Some people know what to expect and are glad to have the opportunity; others recoil slightly and pull a face of horror at the idea.

If you identify more with the latter group, I understand.

How could a list of words make any difference to my happiness or my success?

Have you ever felt not quite yourself? It’s frustrating. Even more so if the “big things” in life appear to be fine – well paid job, positive relationships, financial security etc. You “should” be happy. You “should” count yourself lucky. You “should” just snap out of it. And yet, despite all these “shoulds”, you just don’t feel like YOU. If you’re an intelligent individual, used to dealing with the complexities of your work and home environments, being unable to figure out what’s causing your discomfort just adds to the frustration.

Personally, my values help me make sense of things. They represent what’s most important to me and what I stand for. This means I can define what happiness and success mean to me and I understand how I can influence them.

Simply put, when you are living and working with your values, things flow and life is good. If a value is stepped on or ignored, the opposite is true.

Just as strong core muscles are essential to your physical balance and stability, strong core values contribute to emotional balance and resilience (the ability to tackle the ups and downs of our unpredictable lives).

Not feeling yourself? Look to your values. It is possible that something important to you is not being nurtured and that is having an impact on your happiness and/or success.

Equally, you can actively work with your values at times where you might ordinarily feel discomfort or doubt. For instance, I have a value of “Exploration”. I connect this to being open, being curious, being brave, taking a risk and consciously drawing on that value helps me when I am taking on something new.

How do I identify my values?

There are a few different ways of identifying your values. These two articles (huffpost and mindtools) contain helpful questions and steps to get started. It can be useful to do the exercises more than once, a few days or even weeks apart and look at what changes and what remains the same.

Values are more than a collection of words. It’s the connection you make to whichever word or phrase you choose that matters which is why lists of values (as in the Mindtools article) can be a useful starting point but taking it a few steps further to generate your own unique set is very powerful.

Sometimes, it’s enough just to recognise your values. Greater awareness of what’s important to you means you are more likely to make choices and seek opportunities that are in line with your values.

Sometimes, even with this knowledge, we hold ourselves back.

What are your thoughts about values? I’d love to hear your experiences and observations.


Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

4 Tips to Get Unstuck

It's not a big leap to go from being "in a rut" to feeling stuck.  

Feeling "stuck" is not pleasant.  It's uncomfortable, smothering, claustrophobic even.  Sometimes we confuse being "stuck" with feeling secure.  Phrases like "better the devil you know" spring to mind.

We can even chastise ourselves for feeling stuck.  Perhaps you find yourself saying "I have a job/family/house so what's the problem? I should be happy"? 

Notice the "should"?  That's a red flag word. 

Feeling stuck is a sign that we are ready for a change.  Change is often associated with risk.  And risk is often associated with fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of upsetting someone. The reason we feel stuck is because we have something exciting and compelling drawing us forward and then our reservations and fears holding us back.  This situation is often described as "like having one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake."

So, if you want to get unstuck, here are four steps to get you moving again.

1. Acknowledge you DO have choices.

Thinking about, writing down or speaking about choices does NOT mean you are making that choice.  We too often shut down the possibilities available to us because we fear that thinking about them will cause trouble:

• We catastrophise: I don't dare think about working away from home because I my children will suffer, fail at school and start taking drugs.
• We molly coddle:  I don't dare think about having a business that I love which pays me a great salary because I might fail.
• We presume: I don't dare think about going for that promotion because my boss/colleagues/partner will think I’m punching above my weight.

These are all excuses. Allow yourself to imagine, to think, to create. Sometimes the most enlightening ideas come from a seemingly "impossible" choice.

2. Recognise HOW you make choices.

Typically we either Think, Feel or Know when we make choices.

• Thinkers lead with logic, practicality and facts.
• Feelers will often ask others opinions, be led by emotions, will create stories or images about the potential outcomes.
• Knowers will decide fairly quickly and independently, without always being able to explain why they've made that choice.

Naturally, we don't use just one of these approaches.  In fact, it is really powerful to harness all three.  To recognise how you make choices, think back to the best decision you've ever made.  What brought you to that decision?

Having trouble making a decision? Perhaps you're ignoring what your lead factor is telling you?  For instance, we often turn to our Think factor if our instinct (Know) is saying something scary!

3. Make POWERFUL choices

Our values are a core part of who we are and what makes us happy.  When faced with a choice, your values will make the answers much clearer and simpler.  Your choice will either be true to one or more of your values or will ignore them/go against them.

If you're not sure of your values, answer this 

"Success in my life means......." 

and then for each part of your response follow up with 

"Which means that...." 

until you get to the source of what is most important to you.

NB this will not be money or time.  Dig past that to get to the real stuff.

4. Choice = change

Change is inevitable.  Even if you stay as still as you can, everything around you is changing all the time.  And you can't control it all, no matter how hard you try.  Every choice comes with a risk.  The "what if...." factor.  And that's OK.  Don't be afraid of the "What if".  Just as in point 1. thinking about it doesn't make it happen.  Work it through.  Think about what you would do "if" your choice didn't work out the way you wanted it to.  What could you do now to mitigate it or minimise the impact?

And if, after all that, you don't change anything, that's OK too.  Choosing NOT to do something is still a choice and by making that choice, you have started a change in and around you.

My favourite saying when I'm deliberating choices is "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" from Susan Jeffers book of the same name.  I've never read the book. For me, the title is enough to jolt me out of my procrastination.

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Thinking about the next steps in your career? Stop!

 My family used to tease me for my inability to make decisions. Whether I was choosing food in a restaurant (fish or ribs) or which options to take at school (Latin or Art), it was not unusual for me to agonise over the pros and cons, delaying the final decision as long as possible for fear of getting it “wrong”.

Actually, my family’s teasing was a bit unfair. I made many big decisions (which university, which course, where to live) quickly and easily. I know now that I would get “stuck”, not because I couldn’t decide but because my thought process was at odds with what I felt; my intuition or gut instinct.

Going back 7 years, I had a good job and I was ambitious. Thinking about what to do to further my career sounded like this:

“I work for a successful company; I have worked hard for 11 years and am regularly promoted; my skills are needed; I am well paid; my role is secure. Answer - Work harder; Deliver more; Target the next promotion.”

In my head, lots of boxes were being ticked. But the answer my head came up with didn’t feel motivating or inspiring (which is a requirement for me if I’m going to work hard for it). I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy because, logically, I had everything I wanted! Perhaps I had no right to be unhappy because I should have been grateful to have a job at all?

So what?

If you rely on logic, intelligence and experience to make a decision, you will make sound, evidence-based decisions which will, more often than not, be spot on in a business situation. However, choices that impact your life (your home, your family, your career, your health) draw upon feelings, dreams and values. Ignore them at your peril as their intangibility belies their power!

Back to 7 years ago, I put my logical thoughts to one side and listened to what else was going on;

“I am stuck; opportunities are limited; there is no commitment to change here; I am wasting my time; my skills are undervalued. Answer - Take charge; Stop whining and do something about it!”

Stuck

In this situation, my thoughts about my career were only part of the picture. I was effectively being pulled in two different directions and, although my intuition made no logical sense, ignoring it was not making it go away, it was just stopping me making a good decision so I became “stuck”.

“Stuck” is not a fun place to be. It is a place you arrive at when you feel you have “no choice”. You may feel obligated or restricted by your responsibilities or your specialist skills or the state of the external job market – all of which feel out of your control or influence. And when you feel that your options are limited or removed, it is easy to lose your spark. 

Pause your thoughts

Your intelligence is unquestionable and has provided answers to career-defining moments in the past. So what’s getting in the way this time?

Your mind is exceptional. It is the ultimate multi-tasking tool. But it can get crowded in there.

If your career development thought process involves innumerable options, potential options, risks and scenarios based on evidence, extrapolation and pure conjecture or if it results in just one option that you don’t like but can’t think your way around, it could be because your thoughts are at odds with your intuition. (I think of it as gut instinct or intuition. Call it what you will, you possess it and it has something important to say!)

What does your intuition say? What is your reaction? What are you telling yourself about what comes up?

Do you mistrust your intuition? Perhaps you judge it as frivolous or irresponsible? I thought mine sounded like a spoiled child. And perhaps, on its own, it is. However, when you are able to combine your logic and your intuition, your opportunities open up and your decisions become much easier.
You have a choice.

Choice is the antidote to being stuck.

It’s up to you whether you choose to listen to your intuition fully or just to the parts that make “sense”. No matter how scary or ridiculous they may seem, ignoring or shutting down the messages from your intuition, does not make them go away.

The key is to make a conscious choice. Feeling stuck is about not choosing – either because you don’t know what to choose or because you don’t feel you have a choice. Making a specific choice, even if that is to stay doing what you’re doing, demonstrates that you are taking responsibility for your career path.

For me, choice meant updating my cv and actively seeking a new opportunity. I secured my dream job shortly afterwards but, actually, the biggest thrill was in making the decision to look in the first place. I had taken charge, stopped whining and done something about it. 

Getting Unstuck

Try these questions to take you out of your thoughts and to access your gut instinct. It helps if you answer quickly and either speak or write the words. Try not to censor yourself or judge what you say/write.

• Imagine it is 5 years from now and you are happy – what are you doing?
• If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

If you feel “stuck” at the moment or are unsure about your career options, get in touch and we can work on it together. www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

On Your Marks.... Get Set....

Returning to work after a good holiday can feel like being asked to run a marathon after eating a four course meal. You feel a bit sick and under prepared. You don’t know exactly what to expect but it’s likely to be hard. You’re not even sure what the prize will be at the end. But you grit your teeth and open that Inbox anyway.

Most of us know we need to come back to exercise gently after a break. Going in too hard, too soon causes injuries which, in turn, can impact our ability to hit our fitness goals.

So, rather than taking a deep breath and just diving back in to work, let’s look at what we can learn from the athletes approach.

Successful athletes know that they are more likely to achieve their goals by developing three main elements: their physical aptitude, their technical skills/experience and their mindset.

You may be already conscious of what you eat and how much you exercise. You probably have a plan to develop enhance your skills/experience.

But what about your mindset?

An athlete’s mind:

• Envisages the outcome – what it will be like to cross the finish line/make the putt/score the goal
• Focuses on what matters – every activity moves them towards their goal
• Takes self-care seriously – they eat well, sleep well and do what they can to avoid injury
• Understands the cost of commitment – whether it’s a restricted diet or time away from family & friends, they consciously choose whether it is, or is not, worth it.

Not convinced?

When Andy Murray teamed up with Ivan Lendl, they worked as much on his mindset as they did on his physical and technical play. An Olympic gold medal and the Wimbledon title followed. And after Rory McIlroy prioritised his desire for a career Grand Slam over his forthcoming wedding, he duly won the Open and the US PGA, just needing the Masters to achieve his goal. Breaking off an engagement is a huge decision but it was a choice and only he could make decide whether it was right for him.

If you want to adopt an athlete’s mindset to help you back to race pace after your holidays, try these questions;

1. What is a great outcome for September and October?
   Envisage, draw, write about your personal and professional outcome. Add lots of detail and allow yourself to think BIG.
2. What is most important to you? 
   What are you not prepared to sacrifice for your goal?
3. What can you do everyday to keep you on track for your goal?
4. What will you do to look after yourself? 
   NB: This is not selfish, this is self-care. You cannot do all the things you want to, or support people who rely on you if you are not in top condition.
5. What are you prepared to start or stop to make your outcome a reality?

Answer these questions honestly and that marathon will feel like a walk in the park.

If you'd like to talk more about careers, choices and leadership, get in touch!

The Art of Procrastination

I've had something on my to do list for a while now. Months actually.

I've thought about it. I've written it down and looked at it. I've scheduled it in my diary. I've spent more mental energy on this one task that I care to calculate. The one thing I hadn't managed to do was the task itself. Until today.

Procrastination is pretty common and spending a few minutes time browsing your emails or trawling LinkedIn (or, let's be honest, Facebook) isn't necessarily a problem. Until it is.

Here are some signs that procrastination may be getting in your way:

• You've had something on your "to do" list for more than a week.
• You see-saw between the task being critically important and not necessary at all
• You plan it meticulously. And then revisit the plan on a regular basis.
• You think and talk about it. A lot.

Just to be clear as Joseph Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology, points out, procrastination is not about poor planning or inadequate time management. Nor is it a sign of laziness (although I confess to a smattering of all of the above.) It's that stomach-churning conflict of feeling compelled to do something but then doing anything BUT the task itself.

So, if it's not about poor planning or laziness, why do we do it?

Some people procrastinate because they get a thrill from leaving things until the last minute. For many people it is due to fear. In my case, it was a fear of failure and a fear of being judged (as a failure).

The problem is that procrastination doesn't negate the fear. In fact, all the time I was actively avoiding the task in question, my fear was growing. Each time I wrote it on my list and didn't do anything about it I was feeding the negative voices (you know, the ones who criticise everything) and deepening the fear of what would happen. Not helpful.

I believe that we make better decisions, achieve greater success and are more fulfilled when we are able to effectively combine our feelings with our logical thought processes. When logic is exercised to the exclusion of emotion, we limit our creativity. Equally, when emotion takes control, we lose objectivity.

So What?

If you're in the grip of procrastination, deal with it at the source. Recognise the emotion that is at play and apply logic to put it in its place. Here are some tips that I find useful:

• Imagine the worst case scenario. Give yourself a set time (5 minutes is probably plenty) to allow your fears to run riot. Then consider what you come up with objectively. What is the likelihood of this happening? What would you do if this did actually happen? Would it be really so bad?
• Break it down. Split it in to smaller elements. What is the smallest step you could take towards doing it? Do that, then do the next smallest step. This will reduce the power of the "big" thing. Even if you spend just 10 minutes on it (set a timer) and then stop.
• JFDI. Just Flippin Do It. When we're over-thinking, sometimes we need to call upon our inner sergeant major. Stop thinking, close your eyes (metaphorically), hold on tight and just DO.

Having got on and done what I'd been avoiding for so long, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. My mind is clear and my general productivity has increased. And, guess what? All the things I'd been worrying about just don't matter any more. I had wasted all that time and, more importantly, energy for no reason so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let procrastination take over again.

If you're putting off something that will make a big difference to your life and work, get in touch or find out more about what I do at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk.

When is a Holiday not a Holiday?

I wish I could think of a good punchline to this.  (I’m open to ideas!)  My answer, albeit an unfunny one, is “when you don’t feel recharged and refreshed for at least a month afterwards”.

A month?  Quite a tall order perhaps but why not? 

We all need a break now and then.  Whether it’s a 5-star luxury retreat, a trans-global adventure or a few days pottering at home, a holiday is more than just a place we go or a set of things we’re going to DO.  A holiday is TIME.

Time is usually the first word that comes up when talking about making a change.  The lack of it, naturally.

So, when you make time for a holiday, what are you actually making time for?

At this point, most people list a variation of “sun”, “food” and “sleep”.  As lavish as these elements are, this is usually about repair.  You know that feeling when you’ve been out waaaay to late or drunk waaay too much and you just want to crawl in to bed and sleep for 12 hours.  Our first thoughts on holiday are often to just “switch off”. It’s a NEED.

So, if that’s the case, give yourself time to repair.  Go on!  If you ignore this bit, how will you be able to get on with the really good stuff?

Now you have decided what the repair phase looks like, ask yourself again;

“What is your holiday making time for?”

Draw, scribble, list, doodle or talk/record your answers.  Give all those thoughts that have been buzzing around a chance to come out. 

“What is most important to me?”

Which of those thoughts, ideas or tasks stand out for you?  Not what you think SHOULD stand out, but what you feel compelled by.  What makes you nervous or excited?

“How do I want to feel at the end of this holiday?”

If your answers so far feel like a “to do” list, adding more pressure and using up more time, describing a feeling really helps. It gets you out of your thoughts and focuses on your emotions and physical state (breathing, pulse, muscles).  It also allows your intuition to get involved too!

Negotiate

Unless you are holidaying alone, there will be others who will have their own ideas of what a great holiday looks like.  Having a conversation about how you’d each like to feel at the end helps figure out something that will work best for everyone.

Check In

Being really clear about what you want from your time away from work, before you go, increases the chances of it actually happening.  Whether it's having more fun with the family or using your creativity to solve a business issue or both, you can create the conditions to get the most from your time away.

Apply the same principles when you go back to work and, before you know it, you’ll still be reaping the benefits of your precious time away while you prepare for your next holiday!

Tough day at the office?

I loved watching the Watermen on BBC2 last Tuesday evening for two reasons. Firstly, it made me remember my 14 years in the water industry - the issues, the sites, the smells, the people.  Secondly, it was wonderful to see so many people who genuinely enjoyed their jobs.  Jobs that, for most people, would probably feature pretty low down the list of dream careers. (I won't go in to details - if you saw the programme, you know, if you didn't, I'm sure you can imagine!)

So what makes someone love their job when the job description is so unappealing?  It's probably not the money, although some are fairly well paid.  For one employee, it was the team he worked with.  For another, it was being outside.  I got the sense that quite a few liked doing a job that very few people know (or care) anything about but which is absolutely essential.

These individuals recognised what they loved about their jobs.  They had identified what was important to them (a value) and could see how their job fulfilled that value.

So what?

If you're not enjoying what you do right now, irrespective of the seniority, the pay, the swanky office or job title, try this:

Write two lists.  One list is what you love* about your job.  The other list is what you like least about it.

Write the lists swiftly and instinctively, not spending too long over each item.

• What are the common factors within each list?
• What links the two lists? (e.g. is one the opposite of the other?)
• Which list is longer?
• If you could create a role that only contained the best bits of your job, what would it look like?
• What can you do immediately to do more of the bits you enjoy?

What next?

This exercise gives you a hint of what's important to you and how much you're getting (or not) from your current role. Being specific about what you like and dislike is useful information and is the beginning of a decision.  A decision about what to change and how.

If you'd like to know more about identifying values, making decisions and loving your work, get in touch.

Best wishes,

Stephanie

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk 

* I know, love is a strong word. If that's a blocker, change it to "like most" or just "like". If you really can't think of a single thing you like about your current job, that's significant information in itself!

The Value of Failure

Generally, we don't set out to fail at things.  Motivation often comes from the thoughts and images of what could be and we turn that in to actions that take us closer to it.  Increasingly we encourage our children to "think positive" and to embrace the idea that they can be anything they want to be.

What happens when we fail?  

Failure, at some point in our lives is inevitable.  On some level, things will not work out exactly the way we had in mind.  And our reaction when it happens is very important.

At an early age, I enjoyed school.  I was pretty smart and did well in tests.  I quickly became used to being at or near the top of the class.  When I didn't score quite so high, the attention was uncomfortable.

"I can't believe I got more than YOU in that test!"  My reaction was to withdraw and to stop trying.  My (subconcious) theory was that if I didn't try then I wouldn't really have failed.

Typically there are three reactions to failure:

• Withdrawal - if I don't try/compete/take this risk then I can't fail (fear of failure)
• Single-minded determination - I will do whatever it takes to succeed next time (still fear of failure) 
• Growth - I've learned something new so what will I do with this knowledge? (focus on change and choice)

Our own reaction says a great deal about our likelihood of success in the future.  

I was astonished when I heard that the top Baseball players in the USA only successfully hit the ball around one third of the time.  So, 2 out of 3 balls pitched to them will either be caught or missed entirely meaning they will be making that long walk back, in front of hundreds of thousands of people.  And that player will have to do that again and again and again.  Their ability to absorb this "failure" and to use it to improve their game determines their success in the sport.

Discovering your failure muscle

Forward thinking companies and educators are coming to realise the importance of getting comfortable with failure. Encouraging students or start up companies to take risks and to experience failure is almost like exercising a new muscle. It can feel a bit sore at first but soon you feel stronger and better for it.  This is also know as resilience.  The ability to deal with anything that comes your way.  To be able to fail and feel upset or frustrated and to know that, in a day or so, you'll be thinking about what happened and considering your options for what's next.

So, if you recognise yourself in either of the first two categories, consider what you could see by looking at failure through the eyes of a baseball player.

• What would be different?  
• What opportunities are available to you?
• What decisions would you make now that you've been delaying? 

And when my fear of failure tried to make an appearance?

To discuss your reaction to failure or for a conversation about how coaching can help you, please get in touch: steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk or visit my website www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Ever Felt Stuck? Rediscover The Power of Choice.

Several years ago, I was discussing my day with my husband.  It had been a tough one.  Again.

Usually he took the role of "listening wall" - be there, absorb, don't flinch - except this time he stopped me part way through my tale and offered me this:

"You can choose your emotional response to what's happening. You are choosing to be unhappy about it.  Why not choose a different response?"

I didn't take this too well.  Choose my response? What choice did I have? This was my job.  It was my livelihood. I was expected to just get on with it wasn't I?  I felt "stuck" with my lot and quite powerless to change it.

The thing is, he was spot on.  I had been so busy blaming other things - my director, the company culture, the unfairness of the whole situation - I had forgotten that I had a choice.  In fact, a number of choices.  Some may have been unpalatable (just quit), some may have been scary (plan to leave) and some were plain wild (quit, sell the house and travel around the world) but they were available to me.

No longer the victim of circumstance, I was back in charge of my own life.  Phew!

Feeling "stuck" is not pleasant.  It's uncomfortable, smothering, claustrophobic even.  Sometimes we confuse being "stuck" with feeling secure.  Do you find yourself saying "I have a job, I should be happy/grateful"? Notice the "should"?  That's a red flag word.  So, if you think you might be stuck, here are four tips to get back in charge of your choices.

1. Acknowledge you DO have choices.

Thinking about, writing down or speaking about choices does NOT mean you are making that choice.  We too often shut down the possibilities available to us because we fear that thinking about them will cause trouble:
We catastrophise: I don't dare to think about leaving my job because I might then lose my house, wife, family.
We molly coddle:  I don't dare to think about having a job that I love which pays me a great salary because I might be disappointed
We presume: I don't dare think about moving to somewhere else because my wife/children/parents will hate it
These are all excuses. Allow yourself to imagine, to think, to create.  Sometimes the most enlightening ideas come from a seemingly "impossible" choice.

2. Recognise HOW you make choices.

Typically we either Think, Feel or Know when we make choices.  Thinkers lead with logic, practicality and facts.  Feelers will often ask others opinions, be led by emotions, will create stories or images about the potential outcomes.  Knowers will decide fairly quickly and independently, without always being able to explain why they've made that choice.
Naturally, we don't use just one of these approaches.  In fact, it is really powerful to harness all three.  To recognise how you make choices, think back to the best decision you've ever made.  What brought you to that decision?
Having trouble making a decision? Perhaps you're ignoring what your lead factor is telling you?  For instance, we often turn to our Think factor if our instinct (Know) is saying something scary!

3. Make POWERFUL choices

Our values are a core part of who we are and what makes us happy.  When faced with a choice, your values will make the answers much clearer and simpler.  Your choice will either be true to one or more of your values or will ignore them/go against them.
If you're not sure of your values, answer this "Success in my life means......." and then for each part of your response follow up with "Which means that...." until you get to the source of what is most important to you.  NB this will not be money or time.  Dig past that to get to the real stuff.

4. Choice = change

Change is inevitable.  Even if you stay as still as you can, everything around you is changing all the time.  And you can't control it all, no matter how hard you try.  Every choice comes with a risk.  The "what if...." factor.  And that's OK.  Don't be afraid of the "What if".  Just as in point 1. thinking about it doesn't make it happen.  Work it through.  Think about what you would do "if" your choice didn't work out the way you wanted it to.  What could you do now to mitigate it or minimise the impact?

And if, after all that, you don't change anything, that's OK too.  Choosing NOT to do something is still a choice and by making that choice, you have started a change in and around you.

My favourite saying when I'm deliberating choices is "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" from Susan Jeffers book of the same name.  I've never read the book.  For me, the title is enough to jolt me out of my procrastination.

If you'd like to know more about how you can make powerful choices, contact me to arrange a chemistry call.

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk 

Who is the Boss of You?

"I just want someone to tell me what my options are!"

This was the plea of a friend I've known for almost 20 years.  "I know I'm demanding (then lists all the "demands") and I'm just not sure many other companies would offer that. But I'm not sure the next step for me is here either."

Sound familiar?

If so, let's think about what is really going on here.  Let's imagine that this is a CEO talking about their product.  The script might go:

"I just want someone to tell me where my customers are! I know we have an expensive product (list all the amazing things it does) and I'm just not sure many new customers would really want that.  But I'm not sure our current customers will carry on buying it much longer either."

Does that sound like a successful CEO to you?  I have worked with many individuals who aspire to be CTO, CEO, COO in their careers and have no trouble considering business issues and making business decisions.  But when it comes to making changes in their own lives, the CEO mindset is sometimes more elusive.

When I listened to my friend, I heard two versions.
I heard that this person is:

• doubting their own value within the organisation (I'm not sure the next step is here)
• afraid of not succeeding at landing the next level up (getting someone else to set out the options)
• wondering whether this is as far they can go (having "demands" they feel might not be reasonable)

And also, this person is:

• a high potential, high performing individual (they have high expectations/"demands")
• is experienced (they have a reputation within their current company)
• is ambitious (they want to move on and up to the next step)

Both could be true but which is the version where they are being the CEO of their own life?  By being the CEO of their own career, they will know what they are looking for, what they offer and who to speak to make the change happen.

If you find your inner CEO is taking a nap, here are some ways to wake them up again:

1. Looking for someone to "tell you the options" for your next step?
   Write your own ideal job description - this will highlight what you're looking for without being restricted by an existing job title or department.
2. Think you have too many "demands" to find a role elsewhere?
   Make a list of your achievements, experience and expertise that give you the right to have high expectations of a future role
3. Not sure whether your "next step" is within your current organisation?
   Be clear about what you love about staying and what you want to be different

Being a CEO is not about having to do everything on your own but it is about being in charge.  Be in charge of you - because if you aren't your own CEO, who is?

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Does Mindset Really Matter?

I still smile when I see this picture of Andy Murray, holding aloft the coveted Wimbledon trophy.  Not just because it was an exciting moment for everyone in Britain (particularly those, like me, with more than a hint of Scottish blood) but because it captures that moment when he realises that his dream has become reality.

Murray began working with Alexis Castorri in early 2012 and she came with the personal recommendation of his coach and mentor, Ivan Lendl.  Her approach is simple “I’m interested in helping a person become the best they can be," she told The Daily Telegraph last year. “That means talking about their lives in total. Tennis is part of it but not the whole of the conversation.”

Together, they identified that his exceptionally high standards were creating massive internal frustration.  Her work with Murray helped him re-connect with the passionate teenager who played with excitement and intuition.  They then brought that together with all the positive experience he had gained over the years - his tactical brilliance and creativity.  Oh, and the fact that he is pretty good at hitting a ball over the net.

So what?

You have to work on your WHOLE self to be truly successful. Having a goal is a good start. Having talent gets you so far.  Having ambition can get you further.  All those elements got Andy Murray to a good few Grand Slam finals.

It is quite common for highly ambitious people to be exceptionally self-critical.  In my view, it's how they work with (rather than ignore) that self-criticism that makes the difference.  So, before you sign up for more training, re-write your cv or start a new project, take a moment to ask yourself some of those questions you've been avoiding.  For instance, what is your "Wimbledon Championship"?  

"If people aren't laughing at your dreams, your dreams aren't big enough!" Robin Sharma

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk