The Value of Failure

I was in a room of about 30 people, all sitting in a huge, unwieldy circle. The course leaders were setting out how we were going to work together over the days ahead.
"Be open and honest." Check. "The more you put in, the more you get out." Check. "This is a safe space. We will all hold confidentiality." Check. So far, so normal.
Then: "Give yourself permission to fail. You learn more when you try something and fail than when you get everything spot on." WHAT??
I didn't DO failure. I was a high performer; always had been. In reality, this meant I only did things I knew I was good at. At the first whiff of challenge or self-doubt, I'd lose interest and turn my sights on something else. (Translation; I got scared of failing and quit!)
The concept that failure was not only going to be accepted but actively encouraged was both exciting and terrifying.

The inevitability of failure

Generally, we don't set out to fail at things. We set goals by imagining success. We motivate ourselves and others by focusing on positives to actively balance out the fears and doubts which hold us back. This is how we find the courage to make decisions and take on new challenges.
However, at some point, on some level, things will not work out exactly the way we had in mind. I’m not talking about BIG, life-changing failure. I’m talking about the choices that didn’t bring us the results we wanted, the projects that fell short, situations that make us squirm when we think about them.
The ability to accept and learn from both success and failure is a fundamental element of resilience; failing, feeling upset or frustrated and knowing that, in a day or so, you'll be able to reflect on what happened and ask “So, what's next?”

Designing success to include failure

In that room of around 30 people, we were asked to consciously put aside our desire to be "right". It wasn't easy. I let others take the lead. I watched their reactions as they tried something and failed. I held my breath, imagining how mortified I'd feel if I were them.
Then I realised the sky hadn't fallen in, no one was laughing at them, no one was squirming in embarrassment. In fact, we were cheering them on, celebrating their failure. Far from thinking they looked or were stupid (one of my own biggest fears associated with failure) I thought they were brave. They knew that the only thing that mattered, at that moment, was having a go and seeing what happened. They were the smart ones. By failing, they were actually succeeding.
Eventually, I joined them. Scary at first, the more I accepted failure was a potential outcome, the easier it was to enjoy it when it happened. Yes, there were times when failure was actually enjoyable!
I still struggle with failure. It's not something I specifically aim for but it doesn't hold the same fear for me as it once did. I know that it is more important to try something, learn from it and move on than to do the same old thing and stay stuck. I accept (just about) that, for me to be successful, failure will also be inevitable.
And when I fail, I remember what Richard Branson said "You don't learn to walk by following rules, you learn by doing and by falling over."
Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Why looking for your life purpose may not give you the answer you're looking for!

If you're of a certain age, you'll probably know the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything.*

42.

The people who had waited 7.5 million years for the super computer to work this out weren't too impressed either. 

"I want to find my life-purpose!"

According to countless articles, identifying your life-purpose is as close as we can get to answering the "ultimate question" in the absence of our own super computer. Knowing your life-purpose can bring you happiness, energy, fulfillment and success. If you are feeling increasingly disconnected from what you do in your daily life and are wondering whether there is something more or different available to you, the question of life-purpose may well rear its head. 

"10 questions to find my life purpose? Perfect! Question 1......"

And so begins the quest to find the "thing" we are missing. The "thing" that our life-purpose will point us towards. The "thing" we are meant to do, to create, to build, to change. This "thing" will make us fulfilled. When you find it, happiness, meaning and success will follow.

But as we answer the 10 or 15 or 7 questions that will "reveal" our life-purpose, all we see is a jumble of words, memories and wishes. The light-bulb moment isn't forthcoming. 

"What's gone wrong? Didn't I answer them properly?"

Now an element of panic sets in. If we don't find the "thing" now, we'll miss our chance and be destined to be unfulfilled forever!

Stop.

Take a breath. Relax.

If you're struggling with your life-purpose, here are four important points to consider:
Life-purpose does not have to be one "thing".

Wouldn't it be easier if we could identify one neat purpose for our lives? Bear Grylls' might be "always an adventure", Jamie Oliver's might be "food passion and education". But if you can't see the particular "thing", don't lose hope.

We are conditioned to categorise and label things according to what we already know. And yet human beings are multi-dimensional and complex. We have a wide range of passions, motivations, interests and experiences. Rather than looking for a specific subject, job or answer straight away, stay curious and open-minded. Allow tangents and randomness. 

There is no expiry date. 

Ok, I suppose death is a natural expiry date. That aside, the only time pressure comes from you. Rather than thinking about what's missing and how you want thing to be different in the future, acknowledge what matters to you now and relish it.

Mindfulness, gratitude, living in the present, enjoying the journey, - whatever you use or call it, being more conscious of ourselves and our mindset helps us recognise our impact and choices. You can do this every day, starting now.
Accept you ARE unique.

You are the only version of you that has ever existed. The word unique can sit uncomfortably with some people but we are, unquestionably, unique. Even genetically identical twins have different thoughts, feelings and experiences from birth. (Don't believe me? Ask identical twins about whether birth order matters!)

Focus on what makes a difference to you and the difference you make. This is not a time for hiding your light for fear of being "big-headed" or "too big for your boots". Acknowledge and respect who you are. 

Trust yourself to be you.

You are naturally creative. You are resourceful. You are not deficient or lacking or broken. Trust your instinct. Trust your knowledge and experience. Trust your emotions. Imagine you are your own closest friend and listen to yourself without judgement. 

"So what now?"

Maybe finding your life-purpose will involve changing careers or locations or the people you are with. This can feel quite overwhelming, hence people seek a clear "thing" to guide them and make them feel this kind of change will be worth the risk.

But what if finding meaning in your life means making conscious choices about how you spend your time, taking charge of how you respond to aggravations, or changing how you think about and treat yourself. Those steps are absolutely within your grasp right now. Who knows, those kind of small changes may even help you find your life-purpose after all.

*from the brilliant Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

The Things "...." People Do Everyday

We've all seen the articles.  "15 small things successful people do everyday" "The 6 things the most productive people do everyday" "5 things happy people do everyday"

I enjoy them.  I don't always agree with them but they are quick to read and digest.  Many sound like common sense, describing actions or behaviours that we know, intellectually and instinctively, would make a positive difference to how we live our lives.  So how come we're not all doing them and being successful, productive and happy all the time?

In the opening sections of executive coach Marshall Goldsmith's book "Triggers", he acknowledges that some readers complain "I didn't read anything here that I don't already know".  His response? "True, but I bet you read plenty here that you don't already do." 

There is a BIG difference between what we know we should do or even what we want to do and what we actually do.  It's the end of January so I'm sure I don't need to mention the statistics on broken New Years Resolutions to prove this point!

Let's look past the strategies, mindsets and activities for a moment.  The common theme with these articles and, as it happens, a key element of Goldsmith's book, is the frequency; everyday.

Every day. Not just today and tomorrow or this month. Not twice a week. Every single day, including weekends!

I have quite a strong reaction to the thought of doing something every day.  It feels like a combination of restriction and monotony. It feels like it would be a chore. 

I enjoy variety and value autonomy.  Doing something every day, is so far removed from my normal way of operating (or so I tell myself), it would only be imposed on me by someone else.  My mental rebellion begins and I intellectualise all the reasons daily actions can't/won't work for me.

On reflection, there are plenty of things I do every day that don't feel like a chore.  From social niceties such as washing, cleaning my teeth and getting dressed, through to those I have consciously chosen like sending my children off to school with the words "Have a fun/wonderful day!"

I am physically and emotionally capable of doing something every day so I can't use that as an excuse.  None of these things feel restrictive or monotonous because they are natural.  They are just what I do, how I behave and who I am.  Making a successful change, therefore, means doing something different or new until it feels natural.

This is where size matters.  We tend to think that change has to be BIG to make a big difference.  We are looking for the "light bulb" moment or the life-changing decision. As exciting as this may sound, it can also feel overwhelming and scary.

In my experience big, positive differences often come from small, subtle changes. The articles named above and Goldsmith's book seem to agree. Things like how we treat ourselves, how we make decisions and how we speak to people all make a huge difference.  And changes in these areas are pretty easy to integrate in to our lives every day until they become part of who we are.

So if you want to make a positive change in your life this year, try the articles above, read Goldsmith's book or connect with me and consider what you will do every day to make a difference.

Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

What are you Waiting For? A Coach's Confession

It was red and shiny.  Its message, "Wake Up Be Awesome Repeat x 365" made me smile so, this time last year, I bought the 2015 diary you see in the picture.

Rather than routine things like appointments or to do lists, I was going to use it to record my successes and adventures in the year to come.  I know how powerful it is to celebrate both big and small achievements when they happen and this would capture them all.

I carried it around every day.  I saw it at least twice a day as I drew out and put away my laptop. 

My first entry was Friday 15th May.

So what happened for the first four and a half months of the year?
There were many times I considered writing something but, each time, I decided it wasn't "enough" to warrant an entry. 

Awesome is a tricky word.  Many people dislike it or feel its overuse has rendered it meaningless.  For me though, it's about being brave, adventurous or doing something totally out of the ordinary and nothing I did really met up to my expectation. 

I realised what was going on quite quickly.  Doing what I do for a living means I am self aware and, once identified, I can usually coach myself to a different mindset or behaviour.  That it took me four and a half months is, frankly, embarrassing. 

Human beings are gloriously complex.  If we weren't we'd all be predictable, stable and rule abiding.  But, thankfully, we are individuals and, as such, there are times when there is a disconnect between what we think, what we feel and what we do.

I know I'm not alone.  Other intelligent, experienced professionals get stuck too.  Particularly when the actions concern their own personal development, success or growth.  Ask them to do something for someone else's benefit? Done, there and then, with bells on and a smile.  Do something for their own benefit?  Still waiting......

But what are we waiting for? For more time? For the time to be "right"? For something to be good enough? For someone else to do it?
All this time spent waiting/planning/postponing/tweaking/justifying could be time spent doing something about it and enjoying the benefits! 

So, if you have an action that you are continually putting off, try answering these questions honestly;

• What do I want to achieve? Write it down. Notice how much wriggle room you give yourself and edit it until it's clear, concise and you get a nervous/excited feeling when you read it back.
• What is the smallest action I can take right now? If the action feels overwhelming, break it down.  The key thing is to so something NOW. Once you've done that, the next bit feel easier.

• Who can help me be accountable?  This is so simple and effective. We make excuses to ourselves but it's much harder to make excuses to others.
• What am I waiting for? Being totally honest, what would make you get started on your action right now, today? Permission from someone else? A guarantee you wouldn't fail? 
• What's the worst that could happen?  The reality is rarely as scary as we make up so instead of hiding from it, treat it as an adventure.

As for me and my shiny red diary?  We've become much better acquainted since Friday 15th May.  Flicking through it today, each entry makes me smile and reminds me of the event that triggered it.  In fact, I've enjoyed it so much, I'm going to keep making entries through 2016! The faltering start to 2015 is a fading memory that will serve to ensure I don't take four and a half months next time I set myself an action.

Creating a change, however small, can feel a bit bumpy.  It can take time as well as mental, emotional and physical energy.  But when it's done and you're on the other side, loving the impact, you wonder what took you so long.
If you have tips on how to get out of your own way or if you are holding back on taking an action that will make a positive difference to your life, I'd love to hear from you.

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Change Ahead? Where's Your Magic Wand?

Let's face it, we'd all have a magic wand if we could wouldn't we? 

Not sure which direction to take? *Swoosh* A clear path is revealed!
Fearful of the next step? *Ting* Fast forward a few months and you're loving it!
Holding yourself back because you want to fit in? *Swish* You are fully being yourself and the world is your oyster!

In my experience, most people are quite clear about what decision to make, how to handle a situation or how exceptionally unique they are, so why do we yearn for a magic wand?  Because there is a gap between knowing something (deep down) and acting on that knowledge.  And that gap can be scary.

Change is a funny beast.  Sometimes we feel safer staying stuck; somewhere on a range between "Could be better" and "Arggggggh!" rather than open ourselves up to something unknown.  It doesn't matter that the change could turn out way, way, waaaay better that your current state.  The sheer possibility that making a change might result in something less than ideal can be enough to keep you feeling "stuck" for weeks or months!

A magic wand would offer a guarantee that everything will be OK.  It would remove any element of risk.  It wouldn't just reduce the gap, it would remove it entirely.

But if your retailer of choice is out of magic wands, remember these points:

• Trust yourself.  You have more insight, vision and knowledge than you realise.
• Decisions rarely seem as big or daunting once you are on the other side.
• Know that you are creative and resourceful enough to deal with the impact of the change you want to make.
• Choosing not to make a change is still a choice.
• You are your own magic wand.

This is a follow on from my previous post "What are you waiting for?", accelerated by a great post from Ghilaine Chan "Why are we so scared to fail?". Do take a look!
Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk or call 07824 839367.

Time to stop blaming your bad boss?

Recently I ran a workshop with a team experiencing quite serious internal difficulties.  As individuals, they were loyal, hardworking, experienced and professional but their behaviour as a team was now damaging both their performance and their wellbeing.

The cause of the team's problems was clear.  Their boss.  Tales were told and re-told to illustrate their boss's shortcomings.  Most issues could be resolved, they said, by the boss changing or leaving. 

Sounds simple doesn't it?

A light-bulb moment came half way through the day, when they were asked to describe their natural talents.  During this exercise, they realised how far away they felt from their talented selves.  The positivity, collaboration and many other wonderful traits they prided themselves on, were barely present.  In fact their behaviours, they noted, were almost the opposite.  They were part of the problem.

So what?

It had been fairly easy to blame the boss for all the team's problems.  Maybe the boss was at fault and maybe they weren't but that's only one part of the equation.  The aspect that everyone was conveniently overlooking was their own behaviour.  Every person in that team shared responsibility for the difficulties and failures they were experiencing. 

We are social beings.  Just as we are impacted by and react to the behaviours of others, others are impacted by and react to our own behaviours.  We can be quite quick to notice when we are affected by others but how often are we fully aware of our own behaviour and its impacts?

Looking back at the team, they were acutely aware of all the impacts of the boss's behaviour on them and their colleagues but their awareness of their own behaviour and its impact was only just beginning. 

They have lots of work to do to improve the team's performance and to recapture their love of their jobs but the work is on something they have full ownership of - themselves.  By noticing and understanding their reactions, they can choose how they behave and be aware of their own impact.

Most of us will have experienced a "bad boss" or two.  I have a few tales of my own which I replay more often than is helpful.  What I know now is that, however badly my boss behaved, I was (and am) entirely responsible for my reaction from that point.  I didn't always get it right but I know what I'd do differently next time which is a start!  

If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you are not alone and remember that while recounting tales of bad behaviour, getting angry or withdrawing may make you feel better for a while, you and only you, have a very powerful choice to make about what happens next.

Stephanie Smith works with intelligent individuals on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more about being perfectly imperfect and book a sample session at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk 

How Often are you THAT guy?

Yesterday, I was sitting by the window of a cafe, enjoying a cup of tea and people-watching.  It was beautifully sunny autumn day in central London and there was a gentle but steady flow of people heading to offices or meetings or nearby tourist sights. 

At one point I noticed a man approaching the cafe. The pavement was spacious but the natural movement of pedestrians meant that four people were just behind him; each one following the other but with their own thoughts and purpose.  Right in front of the cafe, the man stopped without warning. He checked something on his shoe. He took a step forward and stopped again, wiped his shoe a couple of times on the paving slab and then continued on his way, satisfied that he had resolved his problem.  

The four strangers behind him were slower to recover.  Their faces suggested frustration, irritation, confusion and surprise.  They took longer to get back in to their stride.  I imagine they were each having an internal grumble as they continued their journey.  Perhaps they even shared the story with the person they were meeting.  Yet the cause of this disquiet, the man in front, was blissfully oblivious.

We can probably all remember times when we've felt like that.  When we have been impacted by someone's actions or words in a way they either hadn't anticipated or were blind to.  A manager, a leader, a colleague, a partner, a friend? But, let's be honest, how often have we also been THAT guy - the one who stopped without thinking about those around him? 

I'm sure he was not a "bad person", he was just not self-aware in that moment.  

The remainder of my day was spent with a group of new managers discussing personal and company values.  Self-awareness was our starting point.  It's a fast-moving, ambitious company and for some it felt luxurious and indulgent to spend time on themselves but, as the man in the street so perfectly demonstrated, if you don't have self-awareness, you could create problems (get in the way, slow people down) without even realising it.

So, today, make a point of noticing how you feel at various points during the working day and how your feelings drive your behaviour. Notice the reactions of others, whether in person, over the phone or on email.  Reconnect with (or discover) your personal values.  

Self-awareness is not about second-guessing ourselves or diluting our personalities, it's about knowing how our imperfections work for and against us and being OK with both.  Make self-awareness your goal for the week and see what a difference it makes to you and those around you.

If you want to know more about self-awareness and leadership and how coaching can help, feel free to contact me through LinkedIn or visit my website. 

Stephanie works with intelligent individuals and teams on leadership, personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at  www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk