Returning From Maternity - The Ebb & Flow of Mother's Guilt

When I had my first child, the comment that stood out from all the helpful and not-so-helpful advice proffered by friends and family was this:

"You are and will always be an amazing mother and you will always do the best you can with what you've got.  And whatever you do, you will always feel guilty."

I was reminded about this nugget as I read the article "Managing the guilt of returning to work" by Louisa Symington-Mills in The Guardian this week.

Reading it back now, the comment sounds quite dark but, at the time, it gave me so much relief. I was allowed to feel guilty. It was normal.

What it didn't say was what I was going to feel guilty about.  Louisa expresses the guilt of leaving her "tiny, dependent son".  For me, it was the guilt of wanting to go back to work.  I imagine that for others the guilt is something else again.

So what is guilt?

Guilt is an emotion.  And emotions, according to cognitive theory, are driven by our thoughts.  The emotion of guilt is typically driven by the thought that we are responsible for someone else's misfortune.
It feels important here to note that our thoughts are not facts.  It is enough just to think we're responsible in order to feel the guilt associated with it.

What can I do about it?

That this emotion is linked to how we think is useful because it gives us something to work with.  If we can change our thoughts, we can change our emotions.

This doesn't mean ignoring or pretending.  And it doesn't really mean looking at what you feel guilty about (e.g. leaving your child/wanting to work).

It means looking objectively at our thoughts and testing them out; essentially challenging our version of "the truth".

How? 

If you are noticing feelings of guilt related to being a mother, try these two questions:

1. What evidence do I have that this is a fact?
2. What is another view point I have not considered? 

In my case, the un-packing of my guilt went something like this:

I feel guilty because I want to go to work. 
My thoughts about my children: I think my children will be unhappy and emotionally harmed if I leave them with someone else.
What I'm really thinking: I'm a bad mother 
I feel guilty because I want a break.
My thoughts about my children: I am unable to give my child all the energy and enthusiasm he needs.
What I'm really thinking: I'm a bad mother
I feel guilty because I don't enjoy being at home.
My thoughts about my children: I can't provide the perfect environment for my children.
What I'm really thinking: I'm failing as a woman.

So, I am a bad mother and failure as a woman!  It sounds almost preposterous now and yet, thinking back, I can still feel the powerful emotion of that time when it felt very very real.

By working through my thoughts objectively, I was able to see that the evidence I had in front of me did not support my thoughts.  For every negative thought, there were other, different perspectives.  It didn't rid me of my guilt completely but I was able to turn it down and balance it with the positives that I started to recognise.

So what happens next?

I still feel guilty sometimes. I do think it goes with the territory.  But when it does rear its head, I remember the most important part of the shared wisdom from the past and I remind myself that I'm doing the best I can and that is always good enough.

If you would like to work with me to conquer mother's guilt then do get in touch.
steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Success and Happiness - Which Comes First?

A friend emailed me a great article this week. The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor considered the motivational factors of happiness and success and whether one ultimately drove the other.

The report proposed that happiness is a precursor to success.  Because success is relative, as soon as we get close to the "target" it loses its value so we set a new, tougher challenge without feeling the benefit of achievement.

Sound familiar?

Most of us have been conditioned since birth to respond to a reward mechanism that works on the basis of "if you do x, you'll get y".  Whether it's good behaviour leading to a sweet treat or taking on "special projects" on top of your day job to secure a bonus payment or promotion, we are taught that achievement will give us positive results.

So where does how we feel about what we're doing come in to the equation? It saddens me when I hear someone say "Work's work isn't it. You're not supposed to enjoy it."  Really? Says who?  Show me the rule that says we're not supposed to enjoy what we do for at least 40% of our waking hours! I choose not to buy in to that myth.

And I'm not talking about superficial perma-smiles or some lofty "head in the air" kind of happiness either.
The Happiness Advantage author Shawn Achor says that the greatest competitive advantage in the modern economy is a positive and engaged brain.  That is genuine, floating-my-boat, even the bad days are good, happiness. And he goes on the suggest that your brain actually works better when you are happy!

Not sure how? Start with these questions and get in touch if you want to know more.

• What does happiness mean to me?
• What activities in life make me happy?
• What is the best bit about my job now? What would it be like to do that bit all the time?
• What impact does my level of happiness have on those around me?
• Who is the happiest person I know and what do I tell myself about them? 
• What do my thoughts about them tell me about how I feel about being happy?

Let me know your thoughts on how you relate happiness and success and how they work for you!

Stephanie
www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

p.s. credit to http://fernandocadena.com/tag/happiness/ for the picture!

Out of The Frying Pan.....How to Choose Your Next Job

Malky Mackay and owner of Cardiff City, Vincent Tan

There has been lots of speculation about who will take over as manager at Cardiff City since Malky Mackay was sacked a couple of days ago.  I wouldn't usually use football as a reference point when thinking about career choices but sometimes wisdom comes from surprising sources.  When questioned about whether Ole Gunnar Solskjaer would take the job, one pundit remarked that he'd been advised to "Think about which chairman you want to join rather than which club."

On a similar note, Matt Frost, a 30 year old from Cornwall, found that "If you have the same interests as your colleagues, it makes a big difference."  Matt spent 2013 trying a different job each week for 52 weeks (see www.oneweekjob.com,) and he noticed that, even though some of the jobs were similar, the people you had around you made the biggest difference to whether or not you enjoyed it.

Does this mean that we should only look for jobs where we like the people we work for or with?  Not necessarily but we often overlook the people factor when we consider changing what we do.  It is tempting to only look at quantitative factors such as salary, bonus, title (status), team size etc. as they are easy to compare even though it is usually the people around us that have the biggest impact on our fulfillment.

Fluffy stuff?

Even if you don't think of yourself as a "people person", having the right people around you is still important. This is not about finding people you'd want to socialize with, it is about the role of others in your success.

What do you love most about the work that you do? Who would you want around you so that you could focus on that, rather than be distracted by what you don't enjoy? 

Consider your greatest strengths.  What kind of leader would recognise these strengths and value them in their organisation?

Making decisions

Deciding to leave can be easy.  Deciding where to go can be more difficult. By aligning your decision-making criteria to your values you can compare things that really matter to you and your happiness.

Here's a starting point:

• List what you want more of and want less of in your next job. Consider which of these are because of or impacted by the people around you. 
• Consider what you would do if money/time was not a concern. Does this include others in some way? If so, who and why?
• Think about who inspires you and why.
• Write down the people who have made the biggest impact on your career and what that impact was.

To talk more about making a change in your career, get in touch: steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk 

Who is the Boss of You?

"I just want someone to tell me what my options are!"

This was the plea of a friend I've known for almost 20 years.  "I know I'm demanding (then lists all the "demands") and I'm just not sure many other companies would offer that. But I'm not sure the next step for me is here either."

Sound familiar?

If so, let's think about what is really going on here.  Let's imagine that this is a CEO talking about their product.  The script might go:

"I just want someone to tell me where my customers are! I know we have an expensive product (list all the amazing things it does) and I'm just not sure many new customers would really want that.  But I'm not sure our current customers will carry on buying it much longer either."

Does that sound like a successful CEO to you?  I have worked with many individuals who aspire to be CTO, CEO, COO in their careers and have no trouble considering business issues and making business decisions.  But when it comes to making changes in their own lives, the CEO mindset is sometimes more elusive.

When I listened to my friend, I heard two versions.
I heard that this person is:

• doubting their own value within the organisation (I'm not sure the next step is here)
• afraid of not succeeding at landing the next level up (getting someone else to set out the options)
• wondering whether this is as far they can go (having "demands" they feel might not be reasonable)

And also, this person is:

• a high potential, high performing individual (they have high expectations/"demands")
• is experienced (they have a reputation within their current company)
• is ambitious (they want to move on and up to the next step)

Both could be true but which is the version where they are being the CEO of their own life?  By being the CEO of their own career, they will know what they are looking for, what they offer and who to speak to make the change happen.

If you find your inner CEO is taking a nap, here are some ways to wake them up again:

1. Looking for someone to "tell you the options" for your next step?
   Write your own ideal job description - this will highlight what you're looking for without being restricted by an existing job title or department.
2. Think you have too many "demands" to find a role elsewhere?
   Make a list of your achievements, experience and expertise that give you the right to have high expectations of a future role
3. Not sure whether your "next step" is within your current organisation?
   Be clear about what you love about staying and what you want to be different

Being a CEO is not about having to do everything on your own but it is about being in charge.  Be in charge of you - because if you aren't your own CEO, who is?

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Does Mindset Really Matter?

I still smile when I see this picture of Andy Murray, holding aloft the coveted Wimbledon trophy.  Not just because it was an exciting moment for everyone in Britain (particularly those, like me, with more than a hint of Scottish blood) but because it captures that moment when he realises that his dream has become reality.

Murray began working with Alexis Castorri in early 2012 and she came with the personal recommendation of his coach and mentor, Ivan Lendl.  Her approach is simple “I’m interested in helping a person become the best they can be," she told The Daily Telegraph last year. “That means talking about their lives in total. Tennis is part of it but not the whole of the conversation.”

Together, they identified that his exceptionally high standards were creating massive internal frustration.  Her work with Murray helped him re-connect with the passionate teenager who played with excitement and intuition.  They then brought that together with all the positive experience he had gained over the years - his tactical brilliance and creativity.  Oh, and the fact that he is pretty good at hitting a ball over the net.

So what?

You have to work on your WHOLE self to be truly successful. Having a goal is a good start. Having talent gets you so far.  Having ambition can get you further.  All those elements got Andy Murray to a good few Grand Slam finals.

It is quite common for highly ambitious people to be exceptionally self-critical.  In my view, it's how they work with (rather than ignore) that self-criticism that makes the difference.  So, before you sign up for more training, re-write your cv or start a new project, take a moment to ask yourself some of those questions you've been avoiding.  For instance, what is your "Wimbledon Championship"?  

"If people aren't laughing at your dreams, your dreams aren't big enough!" Robin Sharma

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Are you one of the 9.9 million?

UK workers are less happy that their EU counterparts according to a report published last week by recruitment agency, Randstad.  They found that only two thirds of the UK employees in the study would describe themselves as "fulfilled".  A bit of statistical jiggery pokery and we see the stark headline that 9.9 million people in the UK are unsatisfied with their jobs.  

That's a really large number of people who are not enjoying a massive proportion of their waking (and sometimes sleeping) hours.

My guess is, when faced with the question "How fulfilled are you at work?" the internal thought processes of the dissatisfied participants followed one of three paths:

1. I hadn't really thought about it before but, now you mention it, it's not much fun doing this any more
2. I know I don't enjoy this but I'm not sure what to do about it
3. I. Hate. My. Job.

What I'm really curious about is what happened next.  Did they just finish the questionnaire and carry on doing the same stuff or did they do something about it? And if the latter, what?

I know that change can be scary. We are brilliant at legitimatizing our dissatisfaction "It's work, I've just got to get on with it" or finding reasons NOT to change "My family relies on me".  

I also know that when people do something to address how they feel they wonder why they didn't do it sooner.

So, if you count yourself as one of the 9.9 million, here are some questions for you:

• What would have to happen for me to feel differently about my job?
• What am I most proud of in my career so far?
• What is the cost of me continuing on my current career path?
• If time and resources were not a concern, what would I do?

If those questions were easy, maybe you've already started to change something.  If they made you uneasy or you tucked them away in the box marked "Too difficult", let's talk.

Stephanie

steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk