6 Things 12 Year Olds do Way Better Than Us!

I have an admission. I wasn’t looking forward to my 12 year old son’s school concert. As excited as he was, I was imagining a 60 minute ear-assault followed by polite clapping and a headache.

But as each group, pair and soloist took to the stage, I was struck by the fact that these pre-teens had more spirit, courage and resilience than the vast majority of their 40-something year old audience.

This is not a stage school. The students volunteered to perform solos or in small groups rather than being selected. Some of them looked shy and uncomfortable under the spot lights. Some made mistakes by forgetting words or missing a note. But they performed, they bowed, they sat down, they beamed.

How many times have you held yourself back? What have you opted out of or avoided because you were afraid of what might happen or of what people might say? What is your equivalent of singing on stage in front of 250 people?

So what is it that makes a 12 year old try what a 42 year old wouldn’t?

Characteristics of a 12 year old (and what we could learn from them)

• They think “yeah, why not? I can do that!” (self-belief)
• They are willing to give it a go even if they haven’t done it before (balanced approach to risk)
• They imagine that it will be amazing (positive mindset)
• They have fun (motivation and their purpose!)
• They do it with friends (positive environment)
• They keep it simple (clarity about what’s important)

What would be possible if you adopted some of these characteristics? The next time an opportunity comes up which you’d previously have shied away from, try thinking like a 12 year old and see what happens.

If you want to find out more about increasing your clarity, motivation and self-belief, drop me an email steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Stephanie Smith is a coach specialising in the world of work. She works with individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Would you want to work with you?

I love the spring. I like the skies getting lighter and the sight of the first crocus or daffodil. To me, spring represents hope and optimism.

By contrast, I find winter a bit of a struggle. Days spent with the lights on, cold wind chilling your bones and TV schedules that numb the mind. Thinking about it makes me feel sluggish.

But winter also brings crisp, bright days. Thinking about a bracing walk, followed by a great lunch feels energising and creative.

So what?

The way we think has a huge impact on how we feel and, in turn, those feelings affect how we behave. When you think about work, which words come up? If your thoughts include themes of dissatisfaction, disappointment or boredom, it probably feels quite unpleasant. Those feelings will affect how you come across at work and will impact those around you.

Would you want to work with you?

Do you identify with any of the following?

• When changes are proposed, your first thought is “Here we go again!”
• Your network (people at work with whom you regularly keep in touch) is getting smaller rather than bigger
• You find yourself talking more often about why things can’t happen rather than what can happen.

What impact does this have on you and the people you work with?

So what? (Again)

When you are highly experienced, particularly in an area of technical competence (for example finance, IT, engineering, telecoms etc.), it can be tempting to ignore or play-down the impact you have on others because you are "being honest", have "seen it before" or are certain others "don't know what they're talking about".

If this is true for you, consider who you have enjoyed working with. What was it about them that made the work enjoyable? What did you contribute during that time? What were you like as a colleague?

What are you like as a colleague now?

Make a choice

Work can be a bit like the weather. We complain about it but we can’t necessarily change it. We can, however, change how we feel about it. Use these tips to notice how you think, feel and behave at work. Then you can make a choice about what kind of colleague you want to be!

1. Notice your themes
   When you talk at work are your words and comments generally positive or negative? Be honest. “I don’t think it will work” is negative. “I need more information to figure out how we can make it work” is more positive.
2. Write down the good stuff
   Remembering or anticipating what you DO like about work (e.g. utilising your specialist skills, being with people you like/respect) helps move your focus on to more positive aspects. Writing them down strengthens the impact.
3. Be the person you’d most like to work with
   Think about you at your best. Do one thing every day that embodies those characteristics.
4. Plan your next move
   However you feel about your job now, exploring “what next?” gives you options. Having options helps balance out the odd difficult day and is the first step towards taking ownership of your future.

If this sounds familiar and you'd like to discuss how I can help you enjoy your work and take charge of your career, I'd love to hear from you.

Thinking about the next steps in your career? Stop!

 My family used to tease me for my inability to make decisions. Whether I was choosing food in a restaurant (fish or ribs) or which options to take at school (Latin or Art), it was not unusual for me to agonise over the pros and cons, delaying the final decision as long as possible for fear of getting it “wrong”.

Actually, my family’s teasing was a bit unfair. I made many big decisions (which university, which course, where to live) quickly and easily. I know now that I would get “stuck”, not because I couldn’t decide but because my thought process was at odds with what I felt; my intuition or gut instinct.

Going back 7 years, I had a good job and I was ambitious. Thinking about what to do to further my career sounded like this:

“I work for a successful company; I have worked hard for 11 years and am regularly promoted; my skills are needed; I am well paid; my role is secure. Answer - Work harder; Deliver more; Target the next promotion.”

In my head, lots of boxes were being ticked. But the answer my head came up with didn’t feel motivating or inspiring (which is a requirement for me if I’m going to work hard for it). I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy because, logically, I had everything I wanted! Perhaps I had no right to be unhappy because I should have been grateful to have a job at all?

So what?

If you rely on logic, intelligence and experience to make a decision, you will make sound, evidence-based decisions which will, more often than not, be spot on in a business situation. However, choices that impact your life (your home, your family, your career, your health) draw upon feelings, dreams and values. Ignore them at your peril as their intangibility belies their power!

Back to 7 years ago, I put my logical thoughts to one side and listened to what else was going on;

“I am stuck; opportunities are limited; there is no commitment to change here; I am wasting my time; my skills are undervalued. Answer - Take charge; Stop whining and do something about it!”

Stuck

In this situation, my thoughts about my career were only part of the picture. I was effectively being pulled in two different directions and, although my intuition made no logical sense, ignoring it was not making it go away, it was just stopping me making a good decision so I became “stuck”.

“Stuck” is not a fun place to be. It is a place you arrive at when you feel you have “no choice”. You may feel obligated or restricted by your responsibilities or your specialist skills or the state of the external job market – all of which feel out of your control or influence. And when you feel that your options are limited or removed, it is easy to lose your spark. 

Pause your thoughts

Your intelligence is unquestionable and has provided answers to career-defining moments in the past. So what’s getting in the way this time?

Your mind is exceptional. It is the ultimate multi-tasking tool. But it can get crowded in there.

If your career development thought process involves innumerable options, potential options, risks and scenarios based on evidence, extrapolation and pure conjecture or if it results in just one option that you don’t like but can’t think your way around, it could be because your thoughts are at odds with your intuition. (I think of it as gut instinct or intuition. Call it what you will, you possess it and it has something important to say!)

What does your intuition say? What is your reaction? What are you telling yourself about what comes up?

Do you mistrust your intuition? Perhaps you judge it as frivolous or irresponsible? I thought mine sounded like a spoiled child. And perhaps, on its own, it is. However, when you are able to combine your logic and your intuition, your opportunities open up and your decisions become much easier.
You have a choice.

Choice is the antidote to being stuck.

It’s up to you whether you choose to listen to your intuition fully or just to the parts that make “sense”. No matter how scary or ridiculous they may seem, ignoring or shutting down the messages from your intuition, does not make them go away.

The key is to make a conscious choice. Feeling stuck is about not choosing – either because you don’t know what to choose or because you don’t feel you have a choice. Making a specific choice, even if that is to stay doing what you’re doing, demonstrates that you are taking responsibility for your career path.

For me, choice meant updating my cv and actively seeking a new opportunity. I secured my dream job shortly afterwards but, actually, the biggest thrill was in making the decision to look in the first place. I had taken charge, stopped whining and done something about it. 

Getting Unstuck

Try these questions to take you out of your thoughts and to access your gut instinct. It helps if you answer quickly and either speak or write the words. Try not to censor yourself or judge what you say/write.

• Imagine it is 5 years from now and you are happy – what are you doing?
• If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

If you feel “stuck” at the moment or are unsure about your career options, get in touch and we can work on it together. www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

On Your Marks.... Get Set....

Returning to work after a good holiday can feel like being asked to run a marathon after eating a four course meal. You feel a bit sick and under prepared. You don’t know exactly what to expect but it’s likely to be hard. You’re not even sure what the prize will be at the end. But you grit your teeth and open that Inbox anyway.

Most of us know we need to come back to exercise gently after a break. Going in too hard, too soon causes injuries which, in turn, can impact our ability to hit our fitness goals.

So, rather than taking a deep breath and just diving back in to work, let’s look at what we can learn from the athletes approach.

Successful athletes know that they are more likely to achieve their goals by developing three main elements: their physical aptitude, their technical skills/experience and their mindset.

You may be already conscious of what you eat and how much you exercise. You probably have a plan to develop enhance your skills/experience.

But what about your mindset?

An athlete’s mind:

• Envisages the outcome – what it will be like to cross the finish line/make the putt/score the goal
• Focuses on what matters – every activity moves them towards their goal
• Takes self-care seriously – they eat well, sleep well and do what they can to avoid injury
• Understands the cost of commitment – whether it’s a restricted diet or time away from family & friends, they consciously choose whether it is, or is not, worth it.

Not convinced?

When Andy Murray teamed up with Ivan Lendl, they worked as much on his mindset as they did on his physical and technical play. An Olympic gold medal and the Wimbledon title followed. And after Rory McIlroy prioritised his desire for a career Grand Slam over his forthcoming wedding, he duly won the Open and the US PGA, just needing the Masters to achieve his goal. Breaking off an engagement is a huge decision but it was a choice and only he could make decide whether it was right for him.

If you want to adopt an athlete’s mindset to help you back to race pace after your holidays, try these questions;

1. What is a great outcome for September and October?
   Envisage, draw, write about your personal and professional outcome. Add lots of detail and allow yourself to think BIG.
2. What is most important to you? 
   What are you not prepared to sacrifice for your goal?
3. What can you do everyday to keep you on track for your goal?
4. What will you do to look after yourself? 
   NB: This is not selfish, this is self-care. You cannot do all the things you want to, or support people who rely on you if you are not in top condition.
5. What are you prepared to start or stop to make your outcome a reality?

Answer these questions honestly and that marathon will feel like a walk in the park.

If you'd like to talk more about careers, choices and leadership, get in touch!

The Art of Procrastination

I've had something on my to do list for a while now. Months actually.

I've thought about it. I've written it down and looked at it. I've scheduled it in my diary. I've spent more mental energy on this one task that I care to calculate. The one thing I hadn't managed to do was the task itself. Until today.

Procrastination is pretty common and spending a few minutes time browsing your emails or trawling LinkedIn (or, let's be honest, Facebook) isn't necessarily a problem. Until it is.

Here are some signs that procrastination may be getting in your way:

• You've had something on your "to do" list for more than a week.
• You see-saw between the task being critically important and not necessary at all
• You plan it meticulously. And then revisit the plan on a regular basis.
• You think and talk about it. A lot.

Just to be clear as Joseph Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology, points out, procrastination is not about poor planning or inadequate time management. Nor is it a sign of laziness (although I confess to a smattering of all of the above.) It's that stomach-churning conflict of feeling compelled to do something but then doing anything BUT the task itself.

So, if it's not about poor planning or laziness, why do we do it?

Some people procrastinate because they get a thrill from leaving things until the last minute. For many people it is due to fear. In my case, it was a fear of failure and a fear of being judged (as a failure).

The problem is that procrastination doesn't negate the fear. In fact, all the time I was actively avoiding the task in question, my fear was growing. Each time I wrote it on my list and didn't do anything about it I was feeding the negative voices (you know, the ones who criticise everything) and deepening the fear of what would happen. Not helpful.

I believe that we make better decisions, achieve greater success and are more fulfilled when we are able to effectively combine our feelings with our logical thought processes. When logic is exercised to the exclusion of emotion, we limit our creativity. Equally, when emotion takes control, we lose objectivity.

So What?

If you're in the grip of procrastination, deal with it at the source. Recognise the emotion that is at play and apply logic to put it in its place. Here are some tips that I find useful:

• Imagine the worst case scenario. Give yourself a set time (5 minutes is probably plenty) to allow your fears to run riot. Then consider what you come up with objectively. What is the likelihood of this happening? What would you do if this did actually happen? Would it be really so bad?
• Break it down. Split it in to smaller elements. What is the smallest step you could take towards doing it? Do that, then do the next smallest step. This will reduce the power of the "big" thing. Even if you spend just 10 minutes on it (set a timer) and then stop.
• JFDI. Just Flippin Do It. When we're over-thinking, sometimes we need to call upon our inner sergeant major. Stop thinking, close your eyes (metaphorically), hold on tight and just DO.

Having got on and done what I'd been avoiding for so long, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. My mind is clear and my general productivity has increased. And, guess what? All the things I'd been worrying about just don't matter any more. I had wasted all that time and, more importantly, energy for no reason so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let procrastination take over again.

If you're putting off something that will make a big difference to your life and work, get in touch or find out more about what I do at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk.

When is a Holiday not a Holiday?

I wish I could think of a good punchline to this.  (I’m open to ideas!)  My answer, albeit an unfunny one, is “when you don’t feel recharged and refreshed for at least a month afterwards”.

A month?  Quite a tall order perhaps but why not? 

We all need a break now and then.  Whether it’s a 5-star luxury retreat, a trans-global adventure or a few days pottering at home, a holiday is more than just a place we go or a set of things we’re going to DO.  A holiday is TIME.

Time is usually the first word that comes up when talking about making a change.  The lack of it, naturally.

So, when you make time for a holiday, what are you actually making time for?

At this point, most people list a variation of “sun”, “food” and “sleep”.  As lavish as these elements are, this is usually about repair.  You know that feeling when you’ve been out waaaay to late or drunk waaay too much and you just want to crawl in to bed and sleep for 12 hours.  Our first thoughts on holiday are often to just “switch off”. It’s a NEED.

So, if that’s the case, give yourself time to repair.  Go on!  If you ignore this bit, how will you be able to get on with the really good stuff?

Now you have decided what the repair phase looks like, ask yourself again;

“What is your holiday making time for?”

Draw, scribble, list, doodle or talk/record your answers.  Give all those thoughts that have been buzzing around a chance to come out. 

“What is most important to me?”

Which of those thoughts, ideas or tasks stand out for you?  Not what you think SHOULD stand out, but what you feel compelled by.  What makes you nervous or excited?

“How do I want to feel at the end of this holiday?”

If your answers so far feel like a “to do” list, adding more pressure and using up more time, describing a feeling really helps. It gets you out of your thoughts and focuses on your emotions and physical state (breathing, pulse, muscles).  It also allows your intuition to get involved too!

Negotiate

Unless you are holidaying alone, there will be others who will have their own ideas of what a great holiday looks like.  Having a conversation about how you’d each like to feel at the end helps figure out something that will work best for everyone.

Check In

Being really clear about what you want from your time away from work, before you go, increases the chances of it actually happening.  Whether it's having more fun with the family or using your creativity to solve a business issue or both, you can create the conditions to get the most from your time away.

Apply the same principles when you go back to work and, before you know it, you’ll still be reaping the benefits of your precious time away while you prepare for your next holiday!

Lessons from a Muddy Lettuce

Lettuce Laundrette

I had a chuckle when I received a veg box from Abel & Cole last week. Among the onions, carrots and cabbage was a white card, about the size of a business card. Sometimes they add a card to tell you they've added a free lemon or mince pie so I read it with interest. Here it is:

I wondered what could have prompted the note and concluded that someone had probably complained about their lettuce being a bit muddy in the past.

What kind of person would complain about a muddy lettuce? Lettuces grow in the ground, right? Surely is a bit of mud is only to be expected on real food that has pushed through real earth, been warmed by real sun and watered by real water?

Choose Option 4

It made me wonder what had happened in the Abel & Cole workplace as the complaint was received. Did they laugh? Shake their heads in disbelief? Feel outraged (as I did) about the unreasonableness of people? Whatever they did behind closed doors, they moved swiftly to action.
In my experience, there are four reactions to feedback:

1. Ignore and hope everyone else forgets about it
2. Deny, deflect, defend and then destroy all evidence of it
3. Ingest it, focus on the worst bits, worry about it. Then follow steps 1 & 2
4. Take it, own it, do something about it

Abel & Cole chose option 4. This, among other reasons, is why they are one of my role model businesses* (see more on this soon!)

So what?

It can feel uncomfortable or even insulting when someone criticises our business, our department or our service. We can take things personally and react with emotion (options 1, 2 and 3 above).

Perhaps you’ve found yourself turning it back on the complainant? This is just one person in 100 or 1000, who cares? They are being overly nit picky and unreasonable.

Once our emotional reaction has subsided, it's time to look for the nugget of truth that will improve your business (option 4).

One truth is that this customer, client or partner expected more from you. So ask yourself:

• Which personal values were being triggered in my emotional reaction to this feedback? 
• What did this person expect that was not satisfied? (ignoring whether that expectation was realistic) 
• What would my business look like if I delivered this expectation every time? 
• What immediate action honours my personal values? 
• What action will mititgate against this feedback in future? 

Nuggets of Truth (Or the Mud on Your Lettuce)

Those nuggets of truth could stop complaints in the future. They could even be what sets you apart from your competitors and brings you even greater happiness and success.

As Bill Gates said, "Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning."

I’d love to hear your customer feedback stories!

*and to make it even better, they sent me a copy of the note within 24 hours of my email request so I could use it here! Top banana!